ten random thoughts of the day...
1.)"geez, Mr. Bush i thought that mixing church and state was a "no-no". what do i know?- a sinner like me...
2.) sophie ellis bextor is such damn fun.
3.) i don't think anyone reads my journal. perhaps i should advertise.
4.) if it weren't for my brother i wouldn't walk erect or speak correctly.
5.) the person who scored highest on my personal favorites quiz is the person i see the least...hmmm
6.) nothing beats a dyke wailing bob seger off key when you are drunk. thank you fugazi.
7.) hedwig is so damn good
8.) i miss kate hepburn and jack lemmon
9.) who the hell is kobe bryant?
10.) madonna is bringing back bangles only now they're diamond studded! hee hee hee

oh yeah and happy birthday to my honey, jason...

on netscape today you can follow a link to see and hear jennifer love hewitt cover janis joplin's me and bobby mcgee "live" on aol.com, and that my friends is EXACTLY what is fucking wrong with the world we live in today...

so jason says the most amazing thing to me last night," let's just stop being so dramatic and have a good time while we are together." it was just what i needed to hear. i have been so wrapped up in my own head again lately- taking myself way too seriously. then we went online and had fun screwing with desperate people in chat rooms. if anything will show you how other people take themselves too seriously, try to have fun with complete strangers. not all are so receptive. when then proceeded to watch the saddest movie ever made, dancer in the dark. bjork is so brilliant. i sob like a baby through the whole movie every time i watch it, and the ending is just so gut wrenching. it burns itself onto your brain, and won't go away. this film should be shown to anyone for capital punishment as a deterrent. bjork is such a phenomenon of nature to me. i can't believe we are going to see her next month. there is no sound in this world that i know that shakes me to the core like bjork's voice. jason is awesome. he also made the best mix cd for me the other day- two of them actually. that's a big deal to me. someone who loves music as much as i do, and shares it with me. i remember singing along to bjork for years with an idea of my perfect mate in mind, " i miss you, but i haven't met you yet..." i think i was singing about jason. i hope i can make his birthday as wonderful as he made mine. i have had so many "firsts" with jason. i thought i had done it all. i guess i was wrong. i think it's that way for both of us.

updating the journal- i suck at this game. peter gabriel was awesome. totally- for sure. he played for two and a half hours. what a wonderful birthday it was. sunday jason's family had a small party for me. it was nice. sierra and rylee loved the pool . they were in there for nearly seven hours. altogther it was a relaxing vacation. the kids and i went to see midsummer night's dream the night before alura went to arizona. i miss her so much already. everytime i think about not seeing her for months i die inside. i just want to cry. there is so much to deal with all the time. i feel like i'm going to shut down. i think it's taking it's toll on everyone around me. i'm tired of being miserable, and i don't want to think about these things, but sometimes i just can't help it. i am going to get better, and i am going to do right for my kids. we'll just have to wait and see who else sticks around. i'm not really down- i'm just so tired. i've gotten no sleep for days. too heavy can't move. too heavy can't move...

i am about 30 hours away from officially turning thirty-five. while most people my age have established families, own a house, and are saving for retirement, i am still trying to figure out a career. i decided to take a vacation from my career by default, and spend some much needed time with my kids. well, they are in high demand in the summertime and now i am alone again ( for a few hours). alura left for arizona on monday, and the way her mother is talking now- she may not be coming back. i can't think about it without going completely numb or sobbing uncontrollably. the (*expletive*) wants me to take my kids when school starts so that she can get a full time job and go back to school. she has to think about their future. ok. she hasn't held a job for more than a month since 1995, but she's going to work full time AND go to school AND support herself and pay child support. she's on the verge of an anxiety attack whenever i talk to her, but somehow she can pull off a life of hard work as long as she doesn't have the kids around to bother her. which, by the way, they haven't been thanks to grandma. if my kids are such a burden- fine. give them to me. oh, why do i let her drive me insane. i'm really beginning to hate women. maybe my mother wasn't so wrong. i'm seeing things through my mother's eyes. you see the insanity? count to ten and... tomorrow is my birthday, i am going to see peter gabriel in concert, and spend a lovely weekend with my kids and the best guy in the world. i really don't hate women- just the ones that assume i'm their keeper. i will get a new job soon, and if i take custody of my kids- so be it. i miss them all the time anyway. i just don't want to see alura living in arizona forever. yes, there is the feeling of resentment against her father, but i do feel that i am her real dad whatever the law says. then again i'd like to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, but the law has another idea about that too. ah, whatever...