ten random thoughts...
1. after suffering with a bad boss for a year and a half, she finally got fired...
2. depeche mode was fun last week.
3. gwen should be fun this week.
4. i am really trying to make christmas not suck.
5. as time goes by is the best show.
6. looking forward to narnia.
7. french and saunders are the funniest women alive. find it. buy it. love it.
8. yay, she's gone.
9. had the weirdest dream this morning. i was trapped back at the art store i ran fifteen years ago outside NYC , but was who am i now at this age . it was a sunday during the xmas season, and i had apparently come to visit . the lights were out. the store was closed, but there were customers shopping. i was trapped. i had to ring them all out in the dark... horrible.
10. was 9. a premonition of 1.?

who's that girl?...

almost ray of light good... i can't stop listening to it. 

Happy Halloween

the corpse bride and robin... too cute 

in da club...

fun for all at Club Marcella's halloween party...

funniest, worst thing ever seen...

who won't be invited... melanie griffith

it's my party, and i'll dream if i want to...

top ten television characters i would invite to a party...
1. karen walker
2. rhoda morganstern
3. edie
4. patsy
5. lucille bluth
6. nicole richie
7. rose tyler
8. miranda
9. diana prince
10. the rest of the bluth family

get us out from under...wonder woman

this is the only good thing to happen today...

A.M.ERICA Comics- the legends continue

happy 22nd anniversary, daniel. no, it is not what the rest of you might think...

the book of gob...

does anyone else notice a direct resemblance between george bush's media misdirections and the half-assed magic tricks performed by the idiot brother, gob(pronounced like the biblical "job"), of arrested development? "may i direct your attention away from my lovely assistant, Harriet E. Miers, and toward that baby buggy bomb teetering on the high wire!".... one day closer to the pink triangle branding...

one of the nice things about being gay is that if you miss your honey, you can spray on a bit of his cologne to remind you of him all day. awww, how queer.

catch-up!

this has been a busy couple of weeks...
last week was fun- jason had to rush me to the hospital wednesday in the early a.m. for a kidney stone. i learned that kidney stones hurt so much that i don't mind being almost naked in a hospital or that my trucker mouth can be offensive to others nearby... it has solidified my hatred for my boss, who i am glad had to come in to replace me at 6a.m. that morning. i also used it as a valid excuse to leave work on friday after about an hour to take advantage of a 4 day weekend. why? screw 'em all that's why...
the week before was fun- my sister called me in hysterics ( she is not the sister that gets hysterical- EVER.) to tell me that her seventeen year old daughter, my neice, is pregnant. yes, she is a senior in high school and the father-to-be is a junior. they are all handling it pretty well considering they are not a planned parenthood kind of family. for a group of somewhat old fashioned, irish catholics- they are doing surprisingly well. how she managed to get to 6 months without telling anyone is a one of many bad signs. it is all in all an obviously worst case scenerio of bad judgement, but they will all find a way to pull through and raise a happy child.

Ten Reasons why i should not read the news...

1. our president is an absolute embarassment of a human being let alone a leader.
2. the following items will all inevidentably stem from answer # 1.
3. all the idiots in my country who can't see what's happening in front of them
4. nature is going to be done with us soon- if we don't get our shit together and become united as a green world.
5. the U.N. thinks we suck. we should be the largest in a voice of nations.
6. sometimes i'm afraid that unbridaled hate will lead to my kids watching me dragged to death behind a car, because daddy likes men.
7. the news will soon run clips of jessica simpson's new video footage before the gulf war stats of the day.
8. the city i live in is dying at an exponetial rate.
9. tigers are almost gone.
10. humans suck.

first day of 2nd & 4th grades...(daddy does many, many backflips of joy... 

ten random thoughts before finally going OUT!

1. hi, sexy sadie. i forget how much i love you sometimes.
2. i miss daniel nathanial.
3. i love when people call me markus aurelius.
4. back to school this week. ( does backflip not suited to someone in his physical condition...maybe if i don't lift my arms dancing my shirt won't ride up so much...)
5. uk import of goldfrapp was the best thing to happen to me musically in a while. slide......
6. i'm sad when my country falls apart... and the national guard is not where they should be...
7. i was in toronto last week for a concert. toronto looks prettier everytime is see it.
8. fuck there's no time...

Porn Station Portable 

10 randoms thoughts

1. i can't believe i will never again turn on the national news and see peter jennings at the helm... move over, 'cuz here comes the 6:30 Celebrity Justice up next...
2. ddr will be the end of me, or the house getting any sleep. it's like the drew's party mix of dance. if you've read nothing else about me, know this-i am not that kind of person.
3. my job sucks with the power of a black hole.
4. i'm tired of my jobs sucking, because it is not what i ever wanted to do with life. now the rest of my life is providing for others...
5. that last one bites.
6. men are cute.
7. that's hot.
8. that's over.
9. dave chapelle, please come back.
10. the house took on a few more technological upgrades this week. hooray for the penis station portable via a router... porn finds a way.

i'm sick of feeling guilty, abused, and wrong all at the same time...

i like the nightlife...

what really goes on...

"ACTION!"

" hey guys, act like your onstage at the sterling renaissance fair... or a scene from their new michaelbayish action blockbuster, "London Broil"...

Protecting the sanctity of marriage- one pastor at a time.

when i was a child, i thought of becoming a priest-i am now a minister. you should be one too...

ten happy, random thoughts

1. alura is so tall!
2. i may be getting a new car this week.
3. destroy all humans is a fun game.
4. my children are being raised on the bbc.
5. i enjoy my links, but i need more.
6. i love looking at other peoples pictures.
7. i'm in love with the killers right now.
8. i'm finally tired of hollerback girl, now.
9. the car has a cd player, which i have been without forever.
10. jason's dad is a nebish. ( not a happy thought, but it needed to be said...)

alura is back!

it's hard to believe that alura, my step-daughter, has been living out in arizona with her "real " father for over a year now. for about eight years she was part of my life and my family. then her mother decided to ship her off, just as she abandoned my kids to my care. now she is back in town, and to celebrate the occasion, mommy has decided to hog alura to herself and leave my kids out of the homecoming for the first few days. i guess alura needs to reconnect with the whore that left her with relative strangers in another state, instead of spend time with the kids that miss her every single day... i know my kids will never really understand this situation. perhaps someday they will come to terms with it. i don't know that i ever will. it sucks to hold onto so much anger, but i can't see the other end of all this yet. i hate that lousy excuse of a human being that is their mother. it's a shame really. oh well. i'm looking forward to seeing alura. i'll bet she's gotten so much bigger...

ten angry, random thoughts

1. i love this country- i hate the bush administration.
2. what the fuck is mesothilioma?
3. live 8 was cool. just like live aid was...or band aid or whatever...
4. the london incident brings us one step closer to a bad science fiction novel about world war three.
5. the movie adaptation will probably star your friendly neighborhood scientologist, tom cruise.
6. i can't stomach penelope cruz.
7. england being sacked by the sons of islam ( the united front of judia comes to mind for some reason... "nudge, nudge, wink, wink...") really sucks on a selfish, personal level, because that is where i was headed when they pass an amendment to enable arnold schwarzenboob to become a president.
8. old school dr. who still rocks my socks. thank you, jason, for my lovely b-day gifts.
9. go here and try the stereotype thing... or this weird face thingie...
10. knottyboy is my favorite read...

a lovely day at the toronto zoo... we have to come up with some adventurous things to do that don't involve walking 110 miles. it was a nice day though.

toothache bad- loritab good.

the short list:
1. i hate being home.
2. i hate the ri0t p00f buddylist.
3. i hate feeling guilty.
4. i hate being ignored.
5. whatever.

the happiest celebration on earth... what a fantastic time! the weather was perfect, we all had so much fun, and i want to go back right now. it was by far the best vacation ever. if you can go to Disney World and not feel like a kid again, you might as well hang it up. by week's end even i was a borderline pin addict. (you have to be there to truly understand the allure.) one day we all wore incredibles t-shirts- this is the effect this place has on you. we went to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom, and MGM. i took about 200 pictures. the kids experienced their first plane ride, their first hotel, their first trip to florida, their first rollercoaster- it was great. now it's back to reality with rashes and possibly strep-throat. i'm stuck at home with sierra for a few days before i go back to work... blah. i really could use a dose of splash mountain right about now...

ten random thoughts

1. my mind has been stuck in 1987 more than a few times this week...
2. my mind has been stuck in 1978 more than a few times this week...
3. five days until the mouse.
4. packing is not much fun.
5. laws and i don't mix well.
6. i don't want to close today.
7. buy gay sperm while supplies last-it's the best.
8. i'm all about the sci-fi right now.
9. i must tan more.
10. i'm not looking forward to being fat in florida.

the new movie was just as good as i had expected. i will never again be the wide-eyed eight year old that awed at my first mythology.  

wallpapers are fun... 

Ten Random Thoughts

1. i simply love the new doctor who- i just we got it here in the states without having to torrent it.
2. i enjoy our new regionless dvd player- and will soon enjoy the bionic woman dvds also not available state-side.
3. i miss having a sane president.
4. hitchhiker's movie was not as good, but not as bad, as it could have been.
5. i miss good bjork.
6. 16 days till disney...
7. i miss drawing.
8. mother's day sucks when kids don't have a real mother.
9. i really don't enjoy spending time being ignored by my family anymore.
10. i actually said "fuck" in front of my mother today. (my mother is 70 years old. we still don't swear in front of her- especially the "f"bomb.)

stick out your hand, ginny wants to give you a pink triangle...

i decided to repost a comment that i just left on someone's blog, because it says what i feel at the moment. to expound on the idea would just make my head hurt more than it does...

every once in a while i allow myself to be lulled into this false sense that i live in a tolerant society that has no more of a problem with my sexuality and lifestyle than i do. i can walk down the street holding my kids' hands, side by side with my boyfriend, and all is right with the world. it's usually about then, when i am feeling the most happy and content, that the ginny cain's of the world pop up out of nowhere. they are there to remind me that, despite the fact that we, the human race, have come a long way in the past twenty years or so, we are really only a few moments in history from puritanical witch burnings. i get this uneasy feeling that i am being scrutinized in a " hey, why aren't you freaks in a concentration camp" sort of way, and try to just keep walking head held high like nothing is there. i just ball up my fists ready for the riot to start. luckily it hasn't come, but ginny cain and her ilk would love to beat the war drum to make it happen. every faction clamors to find people just as fucked up as they are to back their claims that homosexuals are the scourge of the world. manifest destiny has always been an ugly thing. if ya ain't propogatin' fer jesus- there's no use fer ya. if jesus is the real thing and comes back, i hope he levels these sanctimonious assholes with a " let he who is without sin ..."

shirley rocked. the kool haus- not so much.

happy birthday, Ry!

it's nice to be out in the sun for a change.

today we decided to visit a natural wonder that we rarely see despite the fact that we only live about 20 minutes away from it.

63days4hrs15mins to go.... 

Back to the Future

time is so relative. prove what you must, but i think time moves at different speeds or at least our collective perception of it does. whenever i feel like day is going by quickly, other people tend to share the opinion. it seems that every time i blink, three weeks have passed. anyway, poof, it's three weeks later. i haven't been in the mood to write, either. i failed to write about rylee's stomach flu from hell or chris's mother's funeral. we also solidified all the details for our trip to florida in late may. it's official, we are going to hang out with the mouse. the fla. trip is all i can think about. we all deserve this vacation. life has been so stressful for so long. it will be nice to just sit back in the sun and relax. well, four days of running around the most magical place on earth, and one day of relaxing by the pool. i realized that my long standing hatred for all things disney has robbed my kids of some innocent, fun experiences. i loved it when i was a kid. they don't need to know that mike eisner is the devil, or who mike eisner is in the first place. i'll probably get the same thrill out of hugging pluto as i did when i was eight. hopefully the next two months will fly by so we can get to the good stuff. as sierra put it. "i wish i could time travel to next week (the kids are off from school and i am off work), and then jump forward to the end of may to our vacation." i love that their imaginations involve things like time travel. i think it may have something to do with the fact that we watch too many movies... that reminds me- i need to buy some disney movies to catch the kids up.

si-si's birthday!!!

it's a small world after all

well, it appears that sierra's 9th birthday was a complete success. the party at chuck e. cheese's was not as painful as i had anticipated. in fact, if you consider the cost versus the idea of kids entertaining themselves and a staff of others cleaning up after them, i'd say it was money well spent. i just showed up with the kids and they all had a blast; ninety minutes later their parents came and collected them. i had a great time. actually watching how much fun sierra was having made me very happy. i feel that because of our lifestyle, they don't get much time for fun with other kids. what results is sierra feeling that she has to try to keep up with our adult conversations to fit in and have fun. she does surprisingly well with that at times, but she is just a kid and should be able to have fun doing kid things. i get a bit worried when she asks me questions like " daddy, what's a fetish?" i wish i'd known at the time that she was asking about eve's clothing line that is referenced in her favorite gwen stephani song. you try explaining a fetish in nine year old terms without reteating behind "you don't need to know such things." if you met my daughter you would quickly learn that this type of interaction is very sierra. anyway, kiddy themed restaurants are just what the doctor ordered to counteract some of this growing up too soon. to see the same kid jumping up and down with her friends to the tunes of chuck e.'s animatronic band does my heart good. i'm definitley considering a reprise for rylee's birthday party next month. jason and i are also back in talks about a possible disney vacation this year. the fact that jason brought it up still blows my mind. i'm sure he'd rather a getaway for two in a tropical locale or something, but he's trying to be all inclusive. it's very sweet. actually, when we were watching the dvd that accompanied the vacation planning packet disney sent us, i think he was more jazzed about it than the kids would be if we told them. i figure half way through the plane ride to orlando would be a good time to spring it on the kids. if i tell them now, we would have to endure a "how soon 'til we leave" check every five minutes from now until june. as it is, sierra spotted the planner on the end table the other day and still asked "what's is it?" two more times after i brushed it off as junk mail. i hope we can swing it financially. it would be fun. i was sierra's age when i went. jason thinks it's riot that when i went epcot wasn't even built yet, that busch gardens didn't exist, or that the excitement of going to the kennedy space center was to see the plans for the upcoming space shuttle idea that was in the works. as much as i hate disney, there is a little kid inside me that is psyched about the idea. after all, i still cry when bambi's mother gets shot. besides the kids deserve it for all that they have had to put up with these past couple of years, and so do i.

keep your minivans and blue ribbons to yourself, bitch!

i often feel like i'm neglecting the kids. be it my work schedule, the fact that when i am around i'm tired, or whateverthe kids are getting what they need from me. i think they feel unwanted around here some of the time. i think that's what inspired me to let sierra have a chuck e. cheese party for her ninth birthday this saturday. ugh. being in charge of nine random kids i don't know running amuck isn't my idea of fun, but the kid needs a little something special. i can't say that the prepackagedness of it all didn't strike me as convenient. you supply the food, plates, entertainment,etc.- i'll pay. i like that arrangement. i'm not a soccer mom. i don't mix well with other parents. i find them dull- mostly because i'm immature. i don't do the pta pageant. i hate it. trying desperately hard to pretend that you are the perect parent by running yourself ragged and making your children constantly jump through hoops to show how dedicated you are to their development. i can't knock the whole thing. some of it is just laziness on my part. i imagine myself doing more if i didn't work so much, but then i have to wonder- would i just be sitting on the couch all day squandering the time i set aside for my kids? i would like my kids to be more involved in extracurricular activities like many of their friends ( and relatives); i just don't want to compete with the supermoms. they just piss me off. most overacheivers piss me off. is it jealousy? hell yes. i lack the discipline. sue me. i just don't see the point. maybe that's why i live paycheck to paycheck and hate my life most days... food for thought. thinking isn't really my strong suit at the moment however as i have been up since 5am for day2 of inventory at my store and it is now nearly 1 am. i will never learn. now tomorrow morning i will be rushing around at 7 am, half asleep trying to get lunches and snacks for school squared away instead of doing it tonight and getting to bed at a reasonable hour. dumb ass...

how is spent my weekend as a ball of seething anger, or why jennifer merlin sucks...

so my children's mother, who will from here on out will be known only as "the egg donor" was supposed to watch the kids saturday night. these plans were made after days of leaving unanswered messages on her phone, to which she eventually replied- after making some lame excuse that her cell phone battery had died. then saturday afternoon about one hour before i drop them of at her "home", she calls to cancel wondering if she could just get them the following morning. jason, the kids, and i were in the middle of what was supposed to be an enjoyable outing to the tropical fish store to stock up on pretty fishies for our new tank. after hanging up the phone with her the first time, i paced the floor a few times like a caged animal. i then asked the kids to go over to where jason was on the other side of the store and made another call. of course i got her voicemail even though i had just talked to her, because if she answered the phone now, she might somehow be wrangled into watching her kids after all. anyway, i proceeded to spit about five years worth of anger at her in a message that was heavily decorated with f-bombs and the like. apparently only threats of lawyers and visitation rights, etc. is going to get through to the stupid, manipulative bitch. i have just so had it. all weekend i kept going from zero to rage in five seconds at the mere mention of her name. then when i picked the kids up yesterday, they tried to tell me whatever lame excuse their mother had cooked up to fool them. how lame! then she has the audacity to leave me a message about how "we need to talk because we are both 'adults' and can work this out." translation- "i'm scared shitless because after a year or so of constantly proving to be an irresponsible, unfit mother you're finally taking legal action." i'm sorry holding down a job for a record three weeks does not make you an adult- nor does watching your own children only when it doesn't interfere with your boyfriend's amature bar band practice. i absoultely HATE this woman. i understand that divorces are commonly not pretty and everyone hates their ex, etc. this is not what i mean. i mean i hate this person. she is a despicable human being. to be nice to her means you can guarantee she will try to take advantage of you. she takes absolutely no responsibilty for her actions, it is always someone else's fault if things she causes go wrongly, and we are all meant to feel sorry for her when her great attempts to just coast through life fail. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so done with it all. i was shaking when i had to go pick up the kids and had to have jason come along with me for fear that if i went alone, i would surely end up on the eleven o'clock news... i don't know what to do about her or all this anger i have at the moment, but i know i am done with the lame excuses as to why she can't be a mother. she will be a mother if i have to get the state of new york to make her do it or make her give up the job officially. the idea that she now wants to sit down and talk is laughable. hey, here's an idea. i'll call you to set up a time to talk. when you call me back to confirm, i'll ignore my phone for three days and say the dog ate my homework as an excuse. then when you do finally get ahold of me i will set up an appointment only to cancel it an hour prior. we can do that over and over for about a year or so. then when you are as fucking frustrated with the whole routine as i am , then and only then will we talk like adults. i need a nap. of course that won't be happening because i have to go downtown to sign the kids up for an after-school porgram and then go work for ten hours stopping only to spend my lunch break driving the kids to my sister's house after they get out of school- that is if my sister calls me back to let me know if she IS watching the kids for me. why am i a miserable prick lately? you only need one guess...

mostly harmless...

aside from the recent rash of horrible covers and crap-ass remakes, there is one project that i have been looking forward to for some time now, and it's almost here. i am, of course, talking about the big budget movie version of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. this was one of the first books i truly fell in love with when i was about thirteen. it makes me giggle aloud reading it to this day- which i plan to again very soon, to refresh my memory for it's april 29th release. the fact that the story itself has survived several incarnations, from a bbc radio production, to a made for bbc tv movie, and then to a book , makes me less worried than normal about what a large budget will do to the original idea. after watching the trailer nine times or so, i can safely speculate that there is some amount of unaltered content that should appease die-hard fans of the book. as for the remainder of the film, we shall see. alan rickman is doing the voice of marvin the paranoid android so how off could these people be? i know that up until his death in 2001, douglas adams had a major hand in the process, so i have faith it will all go well, despite the fact that it is a buena vista production. when things get that close to the mouse, i get a bit itchy. i'm sure i will love it. the odds of my not enjoying it, at any rate, would be very, very improbable...

corporate america rapes my childhood, again...

this is it. the end of days. if signs like the oc or jessica simpson weren't enough for you... along comes the creative forces of the warner brothers crap machine to destroy yet another perfectly good "property" due to an insane lack of vision. i'll spare you the length of the tirade i went on back in the days that the tiny toons were introduced to the world, but trust me i'm just as upset if not more so. i'm just too tired at the moment to expound on why i believe this to be a definite sign of the apocalypse. if you don't believe me see for yourself. the world is being "revisited" and "reimagined" into absolute blandness and infinitely poor taste faster than the speed of thought. b'bee..b'bee...'b'bee...that's all folks...

so i just bought a camera the other day. i haven't owned a quality camera since the 35mm that was lifted from me by a heroin addict about 10 years ago. since i haven't rented a room to strangers in about that long, i suppose it's safe again. there was a time in my life that i enjoyed random creativity to pass the time,but the farther in time away from the old college years that i get, the more creatively lazy i have become. i've recently had the urge to recapture some of that happy wandering. i enjoy just strolling around town taking pictures of whatever strikes my fancy. there is something very soothing about just observing what is around you and perhaps recording it on film. film has now given way to a plastic chip that you pop into a slot next to the battery compartment, but the results are pretty similar. i've been snapping shots of everything in sight. i realize that i have forgotten everything there is to know about shutter speeds and aperature, etc, but it will come back. the bit i'm particularly thrilled about is this macro function on my camera; i can get up really close to things. there is something about getting down to the surface of an object, to see the texture of it. if i were to follow through on a path into art again- that would probably become my focus. i want to figure out how to set up one of those picture grids on this sight that show snippets of a photo with links to the full images, etc...

drunken HTML

apparently in my sloshy stupor last night i arranged a nice link to my artwork... feel free to look...

sisters are doing it for ,well, me actually...

thank god for my sisters(and my boyfriend). i don't know what i would do if they weren't constantly picking up the slack left by my childrens' useless mother. watch for the new sitcom coming to you from the makers of two guys and a girl... it's two aunts, a gay dad, and his live in boyfriend. the hilarity never starts! it's must see-tv for the sadist! and now i'm off to the other soon-to-be-canceled sitcom in my life- crap goes on (a.k.a. my job) ...

Rylee's spectacles...

a boy and his specs

check out rylee's first pair of glasses. doesn't he look smart? the kids are off today for parent/teacher conferences . sierra's teacher asked me in for a conference to discuss her lack of attention in class. apparently she talks too much in class. every report card i got as a child had the same observation- " mark is a good student, but he spends too much of his time talking to others."
i remember one teacher decided to move me from the boys table to the girls table in an effort to embarass me into talking less. little did she know the future fairy with whom she was dealing; i talked twice as much.
on a much more somber note- my first boss and family friend, paul perna, passed away last wednesday of cancer at the age of 50. i went to the wake yesterday. i felt so out of place. i didn't know many of the people, but felt somehow that i should. most of those present were successful, italian businessmen. i'm only italian...

State of Erosion Address

to help better understand the focus of the president's state of the union address tonight, please use the following link to serve as a set of footnotes. everyday i'm a step closer to building a bush shelter in my backyard, filling it up with canned goods, a few good books, a dvd player and hunkering down for a good four years or so...

retail is latin for "pointless"

in keeping with my latest decision to get out of the neverending trench that is retail, i've started considering other potential careers. i was originally leaning toward real estate, following in my brothers well-placed footsteps, but i'm not sure i can handle a two year stretch of financially shaky ground and inconsistent income. now i'm contemplating the merits of a role as insurance agent. i may be selling myself short all around, but i'm not getting any younger, and i'm not sure i can handle an additional x amount of years of schooling for an entirely new career choice. i can see why my siblings chose the professions they did, as they do not necessarily require a straight on degree. since i still don't have one of those, despite the fact that i have been paying for my as yet unfinished education for fifteen plus years, i guess the cheaper, quicker alternatives are looking more appealing. in my current single parent situation, i need either more money or more time. i have been working an open schedule of 60+ hours, nights, weekends, etc. for almost twenty years now, and it's gotten me nowhere. i need a job that enables me to get my kids on the bus in the morning, be home at a reasonable hour at night and have more than two weekends off in four fucking months. i also don't want to manage people anymore if i can help it. i don't have the killer instinct for it. perhaps it's not so much a "killer" instinct as a basic lack of caring about others for the sake of corporate policy. despite my rantings about hating people in general, i'd rather be well-liked by my colleagues than get the stamp of approval from some shallow corporate kiss-ass that would replace me in a second for a cheaper drone. anyway, a new job is in order.

like sands through the hour glass, so is the money out of my wallet...

well, my son will have his first pair of glasses early next week. it's official his left eye is perfectly fine, but his right eye is a mess- he's far-sighted with an astigmatism. he looks cute in the glasses, but i don't have a ton of faith in how long they will last on an active six year old boy. as for the look, they'd better look good-the whole affair cost me two hundred dollars. money i did not have, by the way. ah well, i'm just glad that he'll be able to see now. i was getting a little worried while the doctor was examining his eyes. he did the usual routine that i am used to enduring, but then kept doing more and more tests that i have never seen. when he began pulling extra lenses off the wall and holding them up to his eye, i was thinking "surgery" or " blindness",etc. luckily, he just needs spectacles. as it is, he'll also have to wear an eye-patch from time to time, in conjunction with the new glasses, to realign his eyeballs. the fun never stops. my son, the dread pirate roberts...

The End of Days

today is the last in my series of four days off. ugh. i dread going back to that shithole tomorrow. this is really no way to live. there is no money or future in retail management, unless you sell your soul and move to where ever the corporation you work for wants to send you. i passed up many an opportunity with michaels because of that. i'm afraid that any day now LNT is going to decide that i have to go work in niagara falls or something. yuck. i enjoy living a block away from work, but that's really all that i enjoy about this job. my boss is a bean counting, by-the-book-unless-it- pertains-to-her, corporate opportunist cunt rag. i absolutely despise her. last week i was written up for going home sick two days in a row. yes, that's right- for being sick. apparently my slew of absences are setting a bad pattern. what fucking ever. i've never been written up for anything in my life. now i have to stay after school and bang erasers because of this pretentious bitch. just because her uterus dried up years ago for lack of use, she doesn't get my situation with the kids. although it seems stupid for me to expect special treatment because i'm a parent, what the hell am i going to do? i'm already pissing away whatever salary jump i made coming to this job by paying insanely high health benefit rates. add to that the impending daycare costs and the student loans that will catch back up with me, and i am beginning to move backwards again. why work 60 hours a week and not have anything to show for it? meanwhile i have to check my kids homework at 5 or 6am and hope they get up to their alarm clock every morning, so that my boyfriend can get them on the bus. why? because retail demands that you are in the building two many hours ahead of opening to jerk off and pretend it was worth getting up that early. if i owned my own business do you think i would get there at 6am for any reason whatsoever? i think not, baby puppy. and this is why i don't talk about my job very often. not only is it unimportant to me- i can't help but bitch about it ad nauseum. hopefully jason and i can enjoy the day. well, at least before i have to take rylee to the eye doctor and spend what little money i have left...

Deadbeat mothers of the world unite!

so i just get a phone call from the ex. after nearly two weeks of no contact, she called to inform me that she has aquired her first job in over a year (the last one having been her first job in about seven years...). she just wanted to let me know that she will be busy during the week, so she can't watch the kids. of course this information changes nothing, as she doesn't see her children ever- let alone on a weekday. unless, of course, she was hinting to the fact that now that she has a job, she will owe me child-support. i'm sure that was her primary concern, but it was never mentioned. she also managed to squeeze in a reminder that next saturday is her birthday. she would naturally rather spend it with her handful of lame-ass goth/pathetic rock band wanna-be/ loser friends than her children. if only we could give someone like her the death penalty for lameness...

Life on the upswing

we've been having a little fun with the hacked eye-toy on the computer. photos and silly movies abound. what is really distressing, however, is seeing how large i've become. i hide it well enough with clothing (although the constant repetition of the three outfits that still fit me is becoming harder to manage.) this is on the long list of things that must change soon. i figure at this point of my life, i might as well start making some of these adjustments instead of continually rehashing the list in my head daily... i'm sick of listening to myself. i've been in the doldrums for a while now. by a while of course i mean six months or so. i'm exhausted. i hate retail. i hate that i have no time or money. i'm tired of never making time for fun- or enjoying fun when it's under my nose. i'm tired of being angry all the time. the deepset furrow of my brow has nearly reached my skull. botox wouldn't clear that sucker up. thank god michelle is back in my life. she tends to slap me in the head and say "wake the fuck up!" at some points she can overshoot the mark and become borderline abusive, but i need strong feedback in my life. i can't really take myself so seriously when she is around. dan emailed me last week too. i love that i will go months without contact with the handful of friends that i have, and then everyone calls or visits on the same day. like my cries out to the universe for a friend are actually being picked up on someone's short wave radio. i also need to update my real life buddy list. fefe keeps yelling at me to call her, but i've always sucked with the phone. i feel like i'm going to intrude on someone to call them. then every monday morning when i see her, hse's like " why didn't you call- i was watching the paint peel again..." i'll never learn. i'm a pain in the ass friend. ah well, maybe if i get out of my head- i'll get out of the house... life has been hectic and difficult with the kids, but i'm sure i can make some more creative decisions to make time for happier things.

my skin looks so smooth

me

"hey that's me"

thekids

i'm not the type of person who feels the need to use the new year as a reason to start anew and resolve issues in my life. let's just say that i have hit another wall in my life, and it's time to rid myself of the things that continually drive me there. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised that it has come to this. having the kids was supposed to have been the right choice and the good thing in my life. it has been nothing but a constant struggle. that is not to say that i made the wrong choice or that i hold my children responsible. when it's just us, things seem more manageable. yes, i get frustrated and impatient, but it's mostly because i feel completely alone- that the only help i get is undeserved or worse- reluctantly given. i realize that the only reason my "boyfriend" has been with me for two years is because he doesn't know what else to do with himself. he has helped me with the kids as much as he can, but it won't last much longer. his impatience and lack of caring has done nothing but kill whatever relationship they have, and it's not doing anything for me either. i've become way to dependent on him lately anyway. whatever, it's just about over... fuck it all.