this has been an eventful few weeks. last night jason and i went to my brother's house for a christmas party, and much to my surprise my sisters, susan and karen, were both there. i wonder what they are thinking now that it's obvious that matt and i are both gay and live with our partners. my worst fear is that they will think thereis some sort of sibling connection. like it's matt's fault or something retarded like that, just because they found us out at the same time. i hope they realize that those were two totally seperate journeys that took years to unfold for both of us. i am glad to have my brother back. i think chris is fantastic and i enjoy the company of his friends. today, at work, there was an incident i could have written ten pages about alone, but time heals all wounds. let's just say i am glad that christmas is almost over, and that i hate upper middle class assholes that don't know when their own children are hopeless reprobates. yes, little max, i'm sure that that tube of permanent rose acrylic paint just spontaneously exploded all over your pants like you told your parents. afterall they say you never lie... and i'm sure they know best. i hope they enjoy visiting their number one son in the juvenile detention hall, kiddo.
i hate people and their offspring. damn them all to hell. jason and i watched lord of the rings while wrapping presents. good times. it took the length of the film to finish the gifts. that's a lot of santa. lotr is the greatest epic movie of all time. i am in awe...

i can't sleep. i just posted a recap of the past year's events on this gay fatherhood group i joined. i can't get my head around how i'm going to take care of the kids in january. of course, i can't wait to have them. i miss them all the time. i just don't know how i'm going to balance it all. i just want them to have some stability in thier lives. i also can't think of alura going to live with her father in arizona without sobbing. i just can't take it. i keep seeing her in my mind as the little two year old curly headed cutie that stole my heart. how could anyone be so selfish to want her to just go away? i will never understand it. i wish i had a ton of money to hire a shark of a lawyer to prove them all insane, so i could get custody of all three of my kids. i'm so bitter, but more than that, i'm just fucking sad. these guys shouldn't have to go through all this. it isn't fair. i feel like it's all my fault for finally coming out. would they have been better off the way things were with only me suffering through a facade, or is this better that i am who i am and our family is scattered to the winds. i hate this... i hate it almost as much as i hate the idea of getting up in 3 hours to go to that shithole job. ho, ho,ho merry fucking christmas.

i remember when i was growing up watching television that the peanut's christmas special was brought to you by dolly madison, my bologna had a first name, and the harshest thing you heard about was how to spell relief...
last night sierra came into the kitchen, picked up alura's presciption off the table and said "the purple pill called nexium."
how disturbing is this? my life was full of green giants pushing vegetables or people trying to fool laundrymat customers with their ancient chinese secret. now kids grow up thinking that people get around on their hover-rounds, popping pills that have side effects that include nausea, anal leakage and teratogenic deformities in unborn children, and that their parents are their only anti-drug. calgon take me away...

ten random thoughts:
1. i'm tired of friendships being held together by random emails that are sent to me and fifteen of their other best friends.
2. yes, i will vote for hilary clinton, when and if she runs... so fuck off.
3. i am going to add a page to my sight devoted to the " sanctity of marriage", and it will showcase every public example of bad hetero marraiges i can think to list. (ie. michael jackson & lisa marie presley)
4. it's been far too long since i last posted.
5. i'm tired of women that spontaneously decide they don't want to be a mommy anymore.
6. pumpkin pie is awesome.
7. arrested development is the only reason to own a tv these days... justin bateman is still hot.
8. melinda and i agreed the other day- there is no time in our lives we can remember that jon stamos wasn't the yummiest.
9. i love that i say things like yummiest now.
10. i can't wait to take the kids to uncle matthew's house this week to make x-mas cookies.

this was by far the most surreal evening of my life. the night that i went to a costume party dressed as alex, from a clockwork orange, and hung out with my brother and his boyfriend,chris, with my boyfriend, jason. what? i need a day or so to sort this out. but first time life's all gay seventies infommercial...

a sure sign that your life is pathetic, and you are going nowhere... you and your boyfriend exclaim," i think that was our best jenga ever." nuff fucking said. uhhhh scratch that... i don't feel this bad.

last night was by far the best concert and maybe one of the best nights of my life. bjork is the most amazing being walking this earth. i was in awe. i cried. i screamed. i danced. i used to see footage of girls screaming and passing out when they saw the beatles and would think, what is wrong with them?... now i get it. jason and i sound like prepubescent boys- our voices are broken. i am going to go to bed and die now. my age is showing. i can't do the standing in line for 7 hours to get front row without stress anymore. but it was worth all the pain. we were front row to the most spectular event i think i shall ever see. praise bjork. all hail bjork. amen...
this is what she sang to me...
01. Hunter
02. Pagan poetry
03. Sídasta Ég
04. Jóga
05. Aurora
06. All is full of love
07. Desired constellation (New Song)
08. Heirloom
09. Nature is ancient
10. 5 Years
11. You've Been Flirting Again (Icelandic)
12. Isobel
13. Bachelorette
14. Hyper-ballad
15. It's In Our Hands (SPT mix)
16. Pluto
encore
17. Scary
18. Human behaviour

ha, ha, ha ,ha...bjork. ha, ha, ha... bjork! ha, ha ,ha ...BJORK! BJORK! BJORK!!!

if vacations have taught me anything it is this... if i could have a lifestyle that affords me to stop whatever i'm doing on a daily basis to break for the price is right, i'd be a happier person. no i'm not just sitting around watching tv all week. it's just a fun show, dammit. kids go back tomorrow. :(

okay so it's shaun-not sean. jason has been miserable for days now. i can't tell if it's the not-smoking, the constantly working, the kids being around, or something else like me. i wish i could cheer him up. he just glares at me. makes for a fun vacation- let me tell you. the kids ask me every five minutes, when the next meal is, and what we are having. when bored- snack. i'm going to weigh two hundred pounds if i eat one more meal. argh! more fun...

the girls absolutely adore kristin- especially now that she hooked them up with some cool handbags and accessories. they really love jason too. alura told me she's glad i met jason. i am too. i think perhaps i will tell them the whole story this week. it has been almost a year after all. they need to know that i'm gay, and that is why i am generally happier. i also discovered tonight that it is hard to come off as commanding when you are scolding your kids if you are a man wearing mary kate and ashley pink nail polish. words to live by....

ten random thoughts for today...
1.) i love jason yalowich. i am gay, and i love jason yalowich. did everybody get that ?
2.) i will probably cry through most of the bjork concert in two weeks.
3.) hillary duff sucks ass. lindsey lohan forever.
4.) i need new drugs.
5.) chicago is amazing. they both reached for the gun is stuck in my head on a loop.
6.) i wish i had the kids the whole week instead of sending them back on wednesday.
7.) super mario sunshine is frustrating as hell.
8.) i want to go to the maize. it's a maze cut out of a corn field. perhaps a drunken jason, kristen,mark adventure. perhaps sean will come along, and we can shake our tits and run with torches ala freddy vs. jason.
9.) i don't wanna grow up i'm a toy-r-us kid
10.) i really only have nine things to say...

alura is back! alura is back! alura is back! alura is back! i have a matching set of kids again! i'm so psyched. i have next week off, and it's playtime at daddy's house for a whole week!

okay, so i overreacted. it was fun. tori was amazing last night, as ever. ben folds sucked royal ass. apparently banging on piano keys like a five year old and swearing intermittenly passes for music. who knew. i really can't stand observational lyrics. don't sing what you did today. i took a crap, and now it's a song doesn't float in my book. it's funny when tori does it though. like the little ditty she sang about not having drinkable water after the power outage in cleveland and telling her daughter not to drink her daddy's stoli. that was cute. the fact that she isn't going to pass it off as a song and have it published makes it okay. alro guthrie was clever and funny in the 70's. ben folds, you are no arlo guthrie. anyway. freddy vs. jason the night before was also fun. it was the best worst movie ever. jason, kristin, sean and i had so much fun. we are supposed to go see it again this week. god help the people who sit around us. it was like mystery science theater with four catty bitches. lovely.

it's all in my head...right. tomorrow will be such fun. yeah. kill me now.

it was the night the lights went out everywhere, but georgia. after about an hour of wondering what the hell was going on and subjecting myself to terrorist scenarios that even bin laden wouldn't have thought up, i was assured by my boyfriend via cell phone that the world outside of amherst was still there. actually home was about the only place that had power. it was sort of scary. i'm just glad, for once, i wasn't in NYC.-that must have sucked. meanwhile life goes on... went to a send off party for steve after the lights came back on, had one l.i.tea too many, and said something horrible to jason just before i passed out. i don't remember. oops. that's only happened twice in my life. i always remember. not liking the black out. more later...

if fire shot from my eyes when i became angry, there would be a blackened scorch mark on the earth where michael's once stood... i hate. i just simply hate.

" could you give me botox injectons, so i don't look surprised when bush blows up the world?" funniest quote of the week care of mad tv.

i was reading an opinion column in the buffalo news today about the current climate of public and political opinion on the rights of homosexuals, and it was so well written i've decided to reprint it here:

With foes like these, gays in good shape

8/9/2003

In a world of uncertainty, a person can usually take comfort in realizing that he or she is on the sane side of an issue when opposing Pat Robertson. However, just as homosexuals seem to be making a small amount of social progress - as evidenced by the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision regarding gays in Texas, and the recent Canadian acceptance of gay marriage - we find the Christian right wing has dusted off its flintlocks to defend against perceived threats from the Supreme Court and those wild and crazy neighbors to the north.
These questions needs to be asked: What are the president, the pope and Robertson so afraid of? What do they think will happen? Their fear comes not only from a lack of tolerance, but from a continuing, perhaps willful, failure to understand the nature of homosexuality.

Homosexuality is not a choice; it is a condition - hard wired into a person's brain in exactly the same way heterosexuality is. Do most people "choose" to be attracted to members of the opposite sex? No, it is a predisposition that most, but not all of us, have. Historically, and regardless of culture or continent, somewhat less than 10 percent of the human population is, and will be, homosexual, regardless of what the president, the pope and Robertson like. These men merely reflect their inability to include the concept of homosexuality in a definition of what it means to be a normal human. Consider: who would choose to be rejected, scorned and persecuted by so much of the rest of humanity?

In the context of a recent speech, when the president said he is "mindful that all men are sinners," he was obviously implying that homosexuality is sinful, and by definition, evil. As a representative of all Americans, what qualifies this less-than-brilliant public servant to pronounce this judgment? Couching his rhetoric in language that most Christians would agree with does not mask the fact that his sentiment is not at all compassionate or Christ-like.

As for the pope, perhaps he should stick to getting his own church's moral house in order, before pronouncing upon human sexuality.

MARK YUNGBLUTH
Snyder

i have to say that is one of the most eloquently put messages i've read in quite some time on this subject. i only wish that it could have been run on the front page along side the blurb about lil' W's niece finally getting out of rehab. looks like jeb's not doing too much better on the family front. for all the stone casting the bush family as a whole has done from their moral high horse, they seem to have more family dysfunction than the kennedys. should they be forgiven their trespasses?

ten random thoughts for today...
1.) if george w. is so great and bill clinton was so horrible- why are bush's girls a couple of pot smoking, beer guzzling sluts, and billy's girl is a model citizen?
2.) i now know who kobe bryant is and i couldcare less.
3.) i need to own a house and have a dog
4.) i'm so glad alura is coimg home.
5.) why is the fact that one man is gay threaten to undo the entire episcopal church?
6.) scandals are always bred because someone selfish wants something they can't have.
7.) sometimes i miss my friend margo.
8.) nick cage as ghost rider is a bad idea, but at least he's not gong to play superman.
9.) corporate retail blows.
10.) it's a good thing i never tire of pasta...

ten random thoughts of the day...
1.)"geez, Mr. Bush i thought that mixing church and state was a "no-no". what do i know?- a sinner like me...
2.) sophie ellis bextor is such damn fun.
3.) i don't think anyone reads my journal. perhaps i should advertise.
4.) if it weren't for my brother i wouldn't walk erect or speak correctly.
5.) the person who scored highest on my personal favorites quiz is the person i see the least...hmmm
6.) nothing beats a dyke wailing bob seger off key when you are drunk. thank you fugazi.
7.) hedwig is so damn good
8.) i miss kate hepburn and jack lemmon
9.) who the hell is kobe bryant?
10.) madonna is bringing back bangles only now they're diamond studded! hee hee hee

oh yeah and happy birthday to my honey, jason...

on netscape today you can follow a link to see and hear jennifer love hewitt cover janis joplin's me and bobby mcgee "live" on aol.com, and that my friends is EXACTLY what is fucking wrong with the world we live in today...

so jason says the most amazing thing to me last night," let's just stop being so dramatic and have a good time while we are together." it was just what i needed to hear. i have been so wrapped up in my own head again lately- taking myself way too seriously. then we went online and had fun screwing with desperate people in chat rooms. if anything will show you how other people take themselves too seriously, try to have fun with complete strangers. not all are so receptive. when then proceeded to watch the saddest movie ever made, dancer in the dark. bjork is so brilliant. i sob like a baby through the whole movie every time i watch it, and the ending is just so gut wrenching. it burns itself onto your brain, and won't go away. this film should be shown to anyone for capital punishment as a deterrent. bjork is such a phenomenon of nature to me. i can't believe we are going to see her next month. there is no sound in this world that i know that shakes me to the core like bjork's voice. jason is awesome. he also made the best mix cd for me the other day- two of them actually. that's a big deal to me. someone who loves music as much as i do, and shares it with me. i remember singing along to bjork for years with an idea of my perfect mate in mind, " i miss you, but i haven't met you yet..." i think i was singing about jason. i hope i can make his birthday as wonderful as he made mine. i have had so many "firsts" with jason. i thought i had done it all. i guess i was wrong. i think it's that way for both of us.

updating the journal- i suck at this game. peter gabriel was awesome. totally- for sure. he played for two and a half hours. what a wonderful birthday it was. sunday jason's family had a small party for me. it was nice. sierra and rylee loved the pool . they were in there for nearly seven hours. altogther it was a relaxing vacation. the kids and i went to see midsummer night's dream the night before alura went to arizona. i miss her so much already. everytime i think about not seeing her for months i die inside. i just want to cry. there is so much to deal with all the time. i feel like i'm going to shut down. i think it's taking it's toll on everyone around me. i'm tired of being miserable, and i don't want to think about these things, but sometimes i just can't help it. i am going to get better, and i am going to do right for my kids. we'll just have to wait and see who else sticks around. i'm not really down- i'm just so tired. i've gotten no sleep for days. too heavy can't move. too heavy can't move...

i am about 30 hours away from officially turning thirty-five. while most people my age have established families, own a house, and are saving for retirement, i am still trying to figure out a career. i decided to take a vacation from my career by default, and spend some much needed time with my kids. well, they are in high demand in the summertime and now i am alone again ( for a few hours). alura left for arizona on monday, and the way her mother is talking now- she may not be coming back. i can't think about it without going completely numb or sobbing uncontrollably. the (*expletive*) wants me to take my kids when school starts so that she can get a full time job and go back to school. she has to think about their future. ok. she hasn't held a job for more than a month since 1995, but she's going to work full time AND go to school AND support herself and pay child support. she's on the verge of an anxiety attack whenever i talk to her, but somehow she can pull off a life of hard work as long as she doesn't have the kids around to bother her. which, by the way, they haven't been thanks to grandma. if my kids are such a burden- fine. give them to me. oh, why do i let her drive me insane. i'm really beginning to hate women. maybe my mother wasn't so wrong. i'm seeing things through my mother's eyes. you see the insanity? count to ten and... tomorrow is my birthday, i am going to see peter gabriel in concert, and spend a lovely weekend with my kids and the best guy in the world. i really don't hate women- just the ones that assume i'm their keeper. i will get a new job soon, and if i take custody of my kids- so be it. i miss them all the time anyway. i just don't want to see alura living in arizona forever. yes, there is the feeling of resentment against her father, but i do feel that i am her real dad whatever the law says. then again i'd like to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, but the law has another idea about that too. ah, whatever...

drunken romantic comedy watching with my honey is the best. jason is jewel. only gayer. not a precious stone mind you, but a yoddling folk singer who is channeling britney spears at the moment. i like jewel. she's neato.
and then jason said...
"Hi look I'm Jason typing in Mark's journal! You can catch me every once in a blue moon at Live Journal through some link at Mark's site. But my journal is just some ranting of gloom and doom usually. However, so is Mark's. But really we're happy people so don't believe the hype!!!!!! Girl Power!"
m- " way to plug your own site, you weiner."
j-"It's maaaagic! Wow Mark are we plastered or what!? Mmm booze is the necter of the gods! Mark stop correcting my spelling you ho bag.
m- " well, it is nectAr after all... i can't help it if you can't spell. and yes, i think we are plastered a bit, jason. back to you..."
j-"This is the worst interview ever! At least I don't need to look at the keyboard to type, even if I am wasted! How much is Vogue paying us anyway?"
m- "so tell me Mr. Yalowich, what made you decide to become a teenage girl in the first place, and how has this effected your social life?"
j-"Well, I think it's because I was obsessed with blonde superstars growing up so I said, you know...fuck it! I'll just become one! And it's working out great. You know that movie 'The Hot Chick'? That's based on my story. One day I just woke up and I had bubbies!"
m- "your answers are long and silly. i think i'm done now. is this the fun we have when noone is around to see? "
j- "Why yes, yes it is. I rock the Backspace you know...better than anyone before me. Has anyone ever told you you really whoop the llama's ass? Because you do. Uh oh! Trouble making teens outside! I better go Slay them before they wake up Ol Mrs Durfuck! Bye!"
m-"i think jaisohn is hallucinating now. maybe he'll pass out so i can take advantage of him. stop biting me you fucktard. jason is hitting me fast like an agent in the matrix. we are all children of the matrix...say goodbye, jason."
j-"Peage out niggas! I can't feel my face...it must be the reptile race controlling my existance! OH NO!!!! WE'RE DOOOMMEMMEED!!!!! DOOOMEOMEOEMED!"
m-"freak."
this concludes tonights broadcast of mystery faggot theater... tune in next time when we sit at home drunk and watch movies...

I've had so many lives
Since I was a child
And I realise
How many times I've died

I'm not that kind of guy
Sometimes I feel shy
I think I can fly
Closer to the sky

No one's telling you how to live your life
But it's a setup until you're fed up

This world is not so kind
People trap your mind
It's so hard to find
Someone to admire

I, I sleep much better at night
I feel closer to the light
Now I'm gonna try
To improve my life

No one's telling you how to live your life
But it's a setup until you're fed up
It's no good when you're misunderstood
But why should I care
What the world thinks of me
Won't let a stranger
Give me a social disease

Nobody, nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like you know me

Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like you know me

No one's telling you how to live my life
But it's a setup, and I'm just fed up
It's no good when you're misunderstood
But why should I care
What the world thinks of me
Won't let a stranger
Give me a social disease

I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
I don't waste my time
Won't read a magazine

I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
I don't waste my time
Won't read a magazine

I, I sleep much better at night
I feel closer to the light
Now I'm gonna try
To improve my life

Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like you know me

*Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like, like you know me
Like you know me
Like you know me
Like you know me
Like you know me

*(Its no fun but the damage is done
Don't want your social disease
Don't want your social disease)

**Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like you know me

Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Don't want your social disease

**(I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
I don't waste my time
Won't read a magazine
I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
Won't read a magazine)

nobody knows me- madonna- american life

this is what random searches will get you...
I was as skeptical as any sane person would be that morning, fourteen years ago, when I loaded Rodney, my cat, into his carrier to take him down to the holistic veterinary clinic where a psychic was seeing animals
that is the funniest thing i never intended to read in my life. all i did was type my boyfriend is a ninny into google, and viola!
pride was fun yesterday. thinking about it makes me almost forget how crappy today was. please say that i don't have to go back to that hell hole tomorrow... must remember not to procrastinate any longer and find that new job. feeling clever, creative and tired. guess it will all come out in dreams. speaking of coming out...pride was fun yesterday. i especially loved taunting the jesus freaks. i learned that jesus hates our lifestyle, and that ricky is the gayest boy alive. seeing so many gay people united together was empowering. i then scooted to lockport to visit the family and heard my sister say nine inch nails... i thought i could go through my entire life without ever having heard anyone in my family refer to trent and co. of course we were talking about johnny cash- the original man in black. if anyone thinks i'm a leftover goth for wearing black so often... well, all i can say is i walk the line...

time well spent...
at this very moment, i'm actually alone. i haven't been by myself very often over the past few months. in fact, i can't remember when i was able to string together a few hours of uninterrupted, quiet time for myself. i've always enjoyed be alone. i am the youngest of five kids with a four year gap to the next kid up the line. the oldest and i share a twelve year span. when it comes to my family, i have always felt like an only child. my brother and i shared a room for fifteen years, but i don't think that counts for much in terms of a feeling of togetherness. he had his thing and i had mine, and they very rarely mixed. in that light, i grew up a lonely little boy. i'm not sure how true that actually is, but it certainly feels true enough. i'm not sure if my loner- mentality was thrust upon me, or if i accepted it willingly later on. i've always tried to figure my way around life without help. i prefer it that way. if i make a mistake, no one can blame me but me. it's been murder on the brain and nerves trying to figure out the entire universe for myself. people have come and gone, trying to help along the way, but in the end i have the final word. i create my own destiny. however, this roadmap to life that i have created for myself, after millions of constant revisions, appears to be flawed. in fact, it appears to be not working at all. i am now and have been forever stuck in the mode of thinking about every single thing that i do on a daily basis, and trying to discern how it relates to life, the universe and everything else. each idle moment of my day is spent analyzing a past moment, be it a conversation from a minute ago to an altercation with a bully from the second grade. i just can't stop thinking- about everything. i believe i can safely say that i have spent a large portion of the past ten years locked in a constant loop of self-torture about the ten years of my life before that. i can no longer see forward at all, let alone stay in this moment. so how much time alone is too much time alone? since separating from my wife, eight months or so ago, i have been on a constant schedule of work, kids, and boyfriend. this is what i wanted. this is what i dreamt of secretly- and not so secretly- for the last few years. i was going to come out, hang out with my kids, and find a special someone to have a good time with. my criteria for that special someone was an almost impossible wish list of character traits and common interests that could never be fulfilled, so that would free up my spare time. i would be able to spend the hours of my newly found freedom however i saw fit. as fate always has it with me, i got what i apparently needed- not necessarily what i wanted. i found a guy that immediately got under my skin- good and bad. the bad, i have found out over the past months is mostly not there. it's the sight that straining to study my defunct life roadmap has left me with that makes it look bad. i keep trying to come at this thing with old reactions and motivations, and they just don't stick. as much as i have railed against this relationship, i realize that it's just an attempt to not be happy. i have spent so much time in regret, trying not to be happy. i can't do it anymore. i need to lose the map, and just take a walk. i'm going to see a new therapist today. i have delved so deeply into self- help at this point that i have become immune to it's new age, pearls of wisdom, bullshit charms. i need someone to just smack me upside the head and say "would you just fucking relax, already?” i have a good feeling about this one. in the moments that my mind isn't messing this up- i have a good feeling about a lot of things these days. what it comes down to is this- i have been alone for an hour now. i miss my kids; i miss jason, and really don't care about work. time well spent, i'd say...

in a matter of few hours i will be back in the bowels of retail hell. the vacation is over. i had my kids the whole week last week. we had a spectacular time. spectacular, spectacular. no words in the vernacular... we went to the zoo one day, and thanks to jc we all decorated ceramic pieces at this great little shop in williamsville that she turned us onto. they fire the pieces and i pick them up on thurs. it was a good time. in between that it was movies and shopping... oh and of course, egg coloring. it was apparently the first time jason ever colored easter eggs. i think he's had quite a few firsts since he's had kids. they love him. alura made him a card and sierra made one for the two of us together. i just wonder how much i'm keeping from them. yesterday and the day before we spent time with jason's family. it was interesting to say the least. he and his sister and i played putt-putt. maybe i'll take the kids next time. that was fun... all day long i kept thinking...i'm really too old for this shit. maybe i am. oh well. now it's back to mikehell's. i so do not want to go back. ah well, it's a process. i'll change it soon enough.

the last two days have been eventful to say the least. it seems like it's feast or famine with the social events calendar. we've sat around here for so long under sheets of ice and layers of cruddy, brown snow, it's about time things began to pick up a bit. wednesday night jason's sis, kristin, came over. i love her. she is so god damn funny. we had a pretty good time and watched a movie that i can't wait to show the kids. thursday was jason's senoir thesis show. or should i say j-son. it was a riot. jessica played the part of his agent, gayle kitchman. heather was his personal assistant. i was his body guard, and some guy from that mtv frat life show was our camera man. i can't wait to see the video. people were really getting into the autograph signing, et all. we paraded around the cfa for a bit before the show in entourage formation. it was a killer. he stole the show in my opinion. i really wanted to go back to school just then. not so much for the fun of it, but from what i saw of most of the installations. a few of them were interesting, but mostly they were crap. there was one at the downtown gallery that i thought was great. this girl took disposable cameras and mailed them with instructions to everyone who had her first inital and last name all over the u.s. to send back pics and bios, etc. she only got a dozen or so responses out of many, but it was really well done. the pictures that came back were fascinating,etc. then last night we went to see jc and allie in a chorus line. it was fun. they are both such starlets i can't stand it. each of their performances were a riot. and the girl that did the tits and ass song was a hoot. then we went out and ended up at the place i swore i would never go to again, that crap hole marcellas. kept running into chris boos and that guy from the middleport drive in/noco all night. then i ran into tammy that used to work in our frameshop at the store. it was all bigs smiles and who gives a fuck all night. at least jason and i had fun. i really enjoy hanging out with shawn now too, despite what jason might think. tonight the kids are coming over and spending the week with me as we are all on vacation! i'm really psyched. i miss them so much. we are going to have a blast. it's been like a week- i swear. i've got to come up with a better way soon. more later...

it's early am. we have to finish donnie darko tomorrow. it is by far the the creepiest movie i've seen in a long long time...

tori was phenominal! we were so close! it was the best concert ever! it was like she was playing my under the pink faves just for me! but that was weeks ago... i haven't felt the need to update this page in a while. i was getting tired of the i'll read your blog, so you'll read mine and see that i've insulted you in it routine. i'm just getting used to the fact that there are quite a few people that don' t like me. i could continue to rack my brains to try and figure out why they don't like me and what i could do to change that, but frankly none of them seem to be worth the time anymore. people can call me callous, insensitive, whatever. i don't care anymore. i have to get my shit together. people that try to judge me and thereby hold me back can go fuck themselves. i'm evolving, and i don't have time for those that don't support me. i've been in a depression for so long, i was starting to believe that everything that was wrong in the world was my fault. no more. that being said, i almost died the other day. well, i had my first real car accident. i spun off the QEW on the way to see margaret cho at the university of toronto. it was horrifying. jason and kristin seemed to take it pretty well, as they have been in these situations before apparently. my car was resting in a ditch facing traffic, i thought my car was broken forever and that we'd never get to TO, and the two of them spent most of the time trying to make me feel better. through jason's resourcefulness via cellphone to AAA canada to canadian tire, we were back on the road in an hour. things just always seem to work that way for him it seems. i might start to believe his positive encouragement at this rate. of course, god or fate or whatever still proved to have it out for me, as we continued on the single most irritating and dangerous road trip i have ever experienced. we were only slightly late, and despite all the trauma in getting there, margaret did not disappoint. she was funny as hell. it's always interesting to see the mix of asian and gay audience at her concerts. she seems to be taking on the mantle of self proclaimed revolution leader. normally i'm leary of celebs using their clout to sway the public opinion, but i'm in. i love everything that come out of her mouth. if she decides to start the cult of cho, sign me up first. i want a membership. rylee just turned five this week. they are all getting so big. i can't stand it. there's all kinds of stuff going on in my life right now, but i don't care to mention it. i'll save it for therapy on tuesday. yeah! more later...

vacation! vacation! vacation! no work for a week! i can hardly stand the joy. sierra just turned seven this week, and lost her first tooth. next week is tori! all is right with the world...well almost.but that's another story...

my horoscope for this week according to the artvoice...Use it or lose it" has long been a key dogma in the theory of evolution. Biologists have believed that if a species accidentally develops a certain new characteristic but then fails to incorporate it as a vital feature, it's gone forever. Recently, however, researchers have begun to question this tenet. They've found evidence that the "walking stick" insects known as phasmids have, over the last 300 million years, lost their wings because of disuse but then re-evolved them. I bring this up in the hope that it will encourage you, Cancerian, to recognize an equally improbable scenario in your own life: The omens say you're about to get a second chance to capitalize on an advantage you allowed to atrophy in the past. interesting. this train of thought was passing through my brain just yesterday. i feel like my pendulum is swinging so hard that i'm about to break. or have a breakthrough. i'm trying to redefine what is me and what is the accumulation of years of self-repression. in my healthier moments i feel that my goal is to incorporate my newfound resolve toward things positive and forwardly propelling. in other moments i'm just a fucking bitch. i need to not fall apart anymore. i need to work, even if painfully slowly, toward moving at a more aggressive pace. i like talking to steve at work. he is also an artist looking for a venue, and he always seems to be doing something to further himself along the path. he's even asked me for an opportunity to share what a know a.k.a figure drawing pointers, etc. he isn't bogged down with the self absorbed torture of so many people that call themselves artists. and he doesn't subscribe to the cut and paste digital version of art either. i think we share the idea that it is a craft and one that is made to be enjoyed. if you can sell some of it- all the better. i need people like that around me when i'm feeling creative. gets the mind set in the right place. on a side note. i can't say that i've set out consciously to create anything or that i have been blocked. i think i've just had too much on my plate these past months. i do want to hang out with steve. i definitely want to paint with jason, when he is feeling better. he has been sick for a few days. there are so many colds and viruses going around. he's is also trying to work two jobs and go to school full time. that's just wearing him down. i hope things even out and his art doesn't suffer. speaking of art, i need to hang my paintings. half of the apartment is still in boxes. lots of stuff- little space. you really begin to question what is necessary when you have nowhere to go with it. i threw out so much perfectly good stuff at the old place. i just didn't have the time, the room, or the energy left to move it all or dispose of it properly. so many times i've turned my life completely over and tossed away the evidence of what came before. at least i'm learning from it. it isn't just all wasted. if i can start channeling it into my art... i'd be good to go. i was speaking before of inspirational people... a few months ago margo contacted me about a creative project she was working on. i was very excited to hear from her, looked forward to getting into some rhythm of communication again, when she bailed. she said it had to do with her marriage, and our past being an uncomfortable subject. i think sometimes if i weren't genetically predisposed to be gay, i'd opt for it anyway. i love women. i respect them much more than men, really. i just don't understand them. i don't claim to understand the average man, mind you. i just find that with women i find myself often scratching my head, oblivious to what is going wrong or how whatever it is is my fault. i'm really good at blaming myself for things. you would think i'd be good at spotting the mistakes. oh well. can't win them all... and i'm not going to try anymore. dan came up to lockport the week i moved. we hung out for a night. it's always nice. i don't think there is anyone that i'd be more comfortable with than dan. our lives are so far apart, but it's just such a good fit. you can't argue with a formula that has stood the test of twenty odd years. listen to me. i'm all nostalgic. sniff oh speaking of men and women and never the twain shall meet... i finally found out that my brother is gay. yes, i knew this, have so for years. i just finally got proof this week. now i have to go see for myself. i think having him back in my life on some level is needed. especially if we have that much more in common. apparently his boyfriend has been a good influence in his life. freedom is a valuable necessity in life. i'm finally finding that out.

i'm slowly coming apart. i am hyper- sensitive, moody, and all around no fun lately. i have to relax. things are so stressful, but i have to focus on the good or i'm going to explode. i really miss my kids. i haven't seen them very much lately, and it's taking it's toll. a few random thoughts... adam corolla and howard stern need to be strapped together at the balls and slowly fed into a den of tigers... do i find them offensive? not neccessarily- i just can't stand people with no talent taking up so much air time. men are strange creatures. i hate that we forgive men as a whole for acting out like complete and utter pigs. on the other hand there is the flip side of that coin. men who strain so hard to be not men, that their overt femininty is unnerving. some gay men use their flamboyancy like an early morning radio shock-jockey. all i want is balance. i think i'm finding it. in many ways i'm glad i found jason. we tend to cross the lines in tandem, so i feel more comfortable exploring both options. i find it strange that i haven't painted since jase came along. maybe i'm intimidated? maybe i've just been to damn busy. i have to set aside some time soon. one thing at a time...

so much has happened over the past month or so, i don't know where to begin. in a few days jason and i are moving in to a new apartment in the cheektowaga area. i have been packing for a weeks, and i swear i'll never be done by thursday. i have wanted to sit down and update this site for over a month, but never seem to have the time. time and money are commodities i don't have in great supply these days. oh, well. despite everything, sierra keeps telling me i look happy, so that has to say something. dan is coming up this week. i'm sure i'll feel even more inspired after i hang out with him. i usually do. more later...