my skin looks so smooth

me

"hey that's me"

thekids

i'm not the type of person who feels the need to use the new year as a reason to start anew and resolve issues in my life. let's just say that i have hit another wall in my life, and it's time to rid myself of the things that continually drive me there. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised that it has come to this. having the kids was supposed to have been the right choice and the good thing in my life. it has been nothing but a constant struggle. that is not to say that i made the wrong choice or that i hold my children responsible. when it's just us, things seem more manageable. yes, i get frustrated and impatient, but it's mostly because i feel completely alone- that the only help i get is undeserved or worse- reluctantly given. i realize that the only reason my "boyfriend" has been with me for two years is because he doesn't know what else to do with himself. he has helped me with the kids as much as he can, but it won't last much longer. his impatience and lack of caring has done nothing but kill whatever relationship they have, and it's not doing anything for me either. i've become way to dependent on him lately anyway. whatever, it's just about over... fuck it all.

get us out from under Wonder Woman!

as if i didn't have enough to feel depressed about... i was checking the scales at work yesterday only to discover that i weigh just shy of two hundred fucking pounds. this same thing happened about a month ago when i checked them, and i saw that i weighed 190lbs. i am a whale. i had, up until about a year and a half ago, weighed in at 170 lbs and had been that size for about 15yrs. yay! fatness! grrrrr..........

i feel like some switch inside my mind has been flipped, and another veil has been lifted. i am maxed out by the effects of the things going on in my life of late,and i'm tired of feeling continually exhausted and anxious. i reread many of my old posts, and it seems clear that it takes quite a long time for me to catch on. i allow myself to remain broken. hopefully the result of this week's trip to the doctor will be positive. my life in general has become unmanageable, and i need to take responsibility for that fact. and then do somethings about it. emotionally, physically, mentally, financially i am at an end. i can feel myself gettting old. i am not old, but i look into my own eyes and i see age catching up. it's not the tempered wear of experience that gives the look of apparent wisdom. it's rough and ugly, like my body is telling me that i have been railing against what i should be for a long time. i want peace and harmony in my life. i want some spiritual guidance. i want to be centered... now back to work... if you listen carefully you can hear my soul whimpering in the distance...

that was stupid...but i'm going to leave it there to show myelf how stupid i can get. why the hell haven't i posted anything that has happened this year? jennifer sent alura to arizona and the kids moved in in march. we got kicked out of our apt in may, because the landcunt didn't want a gay couple with kids living above her.... moved to amherst. quit michaels. i now work at linens-N-shit. michelle turned out to be a bitch. jason's mom passed away in july. saw madonna in toronto in august. i am completely isolated, miserable and without desperately needed medication. it's all homework and grind. the kids are starting to hate it here. oh and bush is the goddamned president...again. help...

ten random crap-ass truths:
1. my life sucks
2. it's all my fault
3. i'm a psycho
4. my relationship is slowly unwinding
5. my kids think my boyfriend hates them and i see little evidence to combat the idea.
6. i think he hates me too but won't admit it
7. i'd like to have a friend and/ or some fun someday soon.
8. my job is the shittiest part of my life
9. i suck at being a father
10. the end is nigh