my horoscope for this week according to the artvoice...Use it or lose it" has long been a key dogma in the theory of evolution. Biologists have believed that if a species accidentally develops a certain new characteristic but then fails to incorporate it as a vital feature, it's gone forever. Recently, however, researchers have begun to question this tenet. They've found evidence that the "walking stick" insects known as phasmids have, over the last 300 million years, lost their wings because of disuse but then re-evolved them. I bring this up in the hope that it will encourage you, Cancerian, to recognize an equally improbable scenario in your own life: The omens say you're about to get a second chance to capitalize on an advantage you allowed to atrophy in the past. interesting. this train of thought was passing through my brain just yesterday. i feel like my pendulum is swinging so hard that i'm about to break. or have a breakthrough. i'm trying to redefine what is me and what is the accumulation of years of self-repression. in my healthier moments i feel that my goal is to incorporate my newfound resolve toward things positive and forwardly propelling. in other moments i'm just a fucking bitch. i need to not fall apart anymore. i need to work, even if painfully slowly, toward moving at a more aggressive pace. i like talking to steve at work. he is also an artist looking for a venue, and he always seems to be doing something to further himself along the path. he's even asked me for an opportunity to share what a know a.k.a figure drawing pointers, etc. he isn't bogged down with the self absorbed torture of so many people that call themselves artists. and he doesn't subscribe to the cut and paste digital version of art either. i think we share the idea that it is a craft and one that is made to be enjoyed. if you can sell some of it- all the better. i need people like that around me when i'm feeling creative. gets the mind set in the right place. on a side note. i can't say that i've set out consciously to create anything or that i have been blocked. i think i've just had too much on my plate these past months. i do want to hang out with steve. i definitely want to paint with jason, when he is feeling better. he has been sick for a few days. there are so many colds and viruses going around. he's is also trying to work two jobs and go to school full time. that's just wearing him down. i hope things even out and his art doesn't suffer. speaking of art, i need to hang my paintings. half of the apartment is still in boxes. lots of stuff- little space. you really begin to question what is necessary when you have nowhere to go with it. i threw out so much perfectly good stuff at the old place. i just didn't have the time, the room, or the energy left to move it all or dispose of it properly. so many times i've turned my life completely over and tossed away the evidence of what came before. at least i'm learning from it. it isn't just all wasted. if i can start channeling it into my art... i'd be good to go. i was speaking before of inspirational people... a few months ago margo contacted me about a creative project she was working on. i was very excited to hear from her, looked forward to getting into some rhythm of communication again, when she bailed. she said it had to do with her marriage, and our past being an uncomfortable subject. i think sometimes if i weren't genetically predisposed to be gay, i'd opt for it anyway. i love women. i respect them much more than men, really. i just don't understand them. i don't claim to understand the average man, mind you. i just find that with women i find myself often scratching my head, oblivious to what is going wrong or how whatever it is is my fault. i'm really good at blaming myself for things. you would think i'd be good at spotting the mistakes. oh well. can't win them all... and i'm not going to try anymore. dan came up to lockport the week i moved. we hung out for a night. it's always nice. i don't think there is anyone that i'd be more comfortable with than dan. our lives are so far apart, but it's just such a good fit. you can't argue with a formula that has stood the test of twenty odd years. listen to me. i'm all nostalgic. sniff oh speaking of men and women and never the twain shall meet... i finally found out that my brother is gay. yes, i knew this, have so for years. i just finally got proof this week. now i have to go see for myself. i think having him back in my life on some level is needed. especially if we have that much more in common. apparently his boyfriend has been a good influence in his life. freedom is a valuable necessity in life. i'm finally finding that out.

i'm slowly coming apart. i am hyper- sensitive, moody, and all around no fun lately. i have to relax. things are so stressful, but i have to focus on the good or i'm going to explode. i really miss my kids. i haven't seen them very much lately, and it's taking it's toll. a few random thoughts... adam corolla and howard stern need to be strapped together at the balls and slowly fed into a den of tigers... do i find them offensive? not neccessarily- i just can't stand people with no talent taking up so much air time. men are strange creatures. i hate that we forgive men as a whole for acting out like complete and utter pigs. on the other hand there is the flip side of that coin. men who strain so hard to be not men, that their overt femininty is unnerving. some gay men use their flamboyancy like an early morning radio shock-jockey. all i want is balance. i think i'm finding it. in many ways i'm glad i found jason. we tend to cross the lines in tandem, so i feel more comfortable exploring both options. i find it strange that i haven't painted since jase came along. maybe i'm intimidated? maybe i've just been to damn busy. i have to set aside some time soon. one thing at a time...