okay. so much has changed... i was just watching a bunch of madonna videos with jason, marveling about how many metamorphoses madonna has gone through, and i felt very inspired. i feel at times that i am in the process of my own life change, and i'm becoming an amalgam of all those pieces of myself that have been scattered over the past. what? well, jennifer and the kids moved out, last saturday. life came crashing down all around finally. i'll figure it out. i miss the kids. i feel adrift most of the time, and excited about what is to come on occasion. i really just wanted to update the site, and get madonna's pic up there. isn't she fierce looking? more later...

hey, everyboby that knows me... check this one out... it's a good read. this is an example of the demented state of mind my soon to be ex-wife is in these days. you'll especially enjoy this if you are one of the people that have been over to my house to see what state the house is usually left in when i'm not here:
Is everyone done feeling ill after eating all that food? HEHE I had a great dinner! All the food was fantastic! Our turkey caome out so moist, it was heaven! Mark was going to take the kids to see Harry Potter after we got home yesterday but they didn't deposit his check until today. Usually it's in there the night before a holiday but not this time. Needless to say I had 3 very upset children to deal with yesterday. I was going to have a few hours to myself last night so I wasn't very happy myself. More bitching coming so be fore warned!

Mark is just driving me crazy lately! He is being moody and miserable then taking it out on me. Like these things are my fault. He was yelling at the kids yesterday after he found out his check wasn't deposited. WTF?!? Yes the kids have control over the corporation he works for. so lets make them cry so he can feel better! What an ass he is being! I was going to start moving my stuff out today but it is hailing! And it is sooooo cold out there. I have got to get out of here! I am so tired of Mark living in his own little world. We are ending our marriage but he still lives in this house with us and the children are still his! Maybe he should participate a little more! I am not the fucking maid! Granted I have let things slide quite a bit lately but I am dealing with alot of different issues myself. He doesn't see that though. I'm the one who's life is completely changing. He gets to gout and date and have a good time whenever he wants. I still get to do all the things I did before plus try and find time for myself w/o the children. For some reason I have a feeling he won't be seeing the kids much because he will be more concerned with making himself happy. And I'm not going to be able to count on child support either. I know his financial situation. So I get to go get a job on top of trying to raise 3 kids and take care my house. Sounds like fun right? Plus I get to do it all with little to no help. I get to pack by myself and I get to move by myself. Have I whined enough yet? LOL I'll stop for now but I'm still annoyed! :) Everyone have a great day! The one thing that brightens my day is knowing that Mark is at work (retail) and i bet he is having a sucky day! MUHAHAHAHA

my memory is gradually returning to me. i'm beginning to recollect what it is like to live a life. so much is up in the air, and yet at times lately i feel like everything is exactly as it is supposed to be- the way it should have been all along. the road to reclaiming myself and succeeding is a way off, and yet closer than it has been in years. weekends like this one bring me that much closer to my goal. it isn't actually a goal, but a state of mind-a happy, content state of mind. i was reminded this weekend of how much i've been missing out on, and that i just need to stop missing out on life period. anyway, friday we drove up to toronto a few hours early in an attempt to meet tori amos before the concert. we were outside in the freezing cold rain for hours before they moved us inside for the meet and greet. the crowd was a bit much for me so i just kind of hung back and let jason take the lead to the front of the line. he just walked right up front, and after a short tussle with some rabid fans about getting there before them, was the first to meet her. she autographed his cd, talked for a bit, and wrote down his song request on her hand. she only spoke to a handful of people. that night, the concert was phenomenal. she played for two and a half hours. she doesn't always play requests, and she rarely plays his particular song . then during the roadside cafe portion of the show, where she sends her accompanists off to play solo, she played the song. watching the expression on jason's face as it dawned on him that it was his song is a moment i won't soon forget. it took him four more songs to compose himself. all the little annoyances, the waiting, the rushing to stand still, that we did all day, was well worth that few minutes. i had forgotten how much i love tori. her music has carried me through some very low points in my life and has been there is the background of some of my most creative. this weekend has been one of so many pieces of a puzzle that just fits. the only part that sucked was that it took me away from the kids. that part is getting harder to handle. it isn't as though i've found this new life, and it doesn't involve my kids. i'm just having a hard time adjusting to the fact that i am not always around. i can't quite get my head around it. i'm having difficulty letting go. on the other hand, i want the freedom to begin just as badly as jennifer does. i just have to take it all one step at a time. i still feel like i'm wrong for wanting to be free. my obligations as a father outweigh my personal choices, but they too will one day have to know to make their own choices regardless of what those around them might think. i feel like i'm being judged in every area of my life, and yet it doesn't matter anymore. i enjoy the time i spend with my kids. i'm enjoying the time getting reacquainted with myself. anyone that tries to keep me down at this point can go screw. i'm trying not to get too far into yet another codependent relationship, and yet there are times lately in the presence of a certain person, that i feel like i can do anything. it isn't superficial bullshit. it isn't a parasitic thing either. i just happen to see things with a different set of eyes, and that helps put mine into focus. why am i explaining this? i don't care what anyone thinks, remember? right...

it's a beautiful thing when your kids finally get the whole charlie brown holiday special thing. rylee was cracking up when snoopy takes on the lawn chair & preparing the thanksgiving feast of popcorn and toast. then of course it is immediately followed by some cheesy, watered-down winnie the pooh disney crap. i'd give thanks if someone stuck a hot poker in my eye so i didn't have to suffer through it. sometime i'll explain my apocalyptic theory behind today's children's programming and the fall of western civilization as we know it. while watching the former, there was yet another commercial for yet another elmo toy of the xmas season... elmo is my point in a nutshell. jason and i were having an in depth discussion yesterday about the sudden passing of grover on the sesame street scene, and the coincidental emergence of elmo. i suspect foul play... that high pitched voice, the evil red color- he's too cute not to be the devil. he's wooed our children, and he must be stopped. down with elmo, and disney for that matter... i suspect the fbi will be pounding on my door any minute. say you don't like disney in this country, and people look at you in horror, like they're about to report your communist activities to mccarthy himself. enough of my banter. i'm opinionated, yes, but i'm only human. i have the right to make mistakes and laugh at myself. grover taught me that. i miss you grover wherever you are... the fly in the soup, the black market sale of a letter "m" from a pusher on the street, and let's not forget the irrepressible super grover. the world hasn't been the same without him...

it's full a moon. that explains so much. my emotional lycanthropy is acting up again. i am a tide- watch me rise. i'm sure i've explained before the lunar lunacy that reeks havoc with my head once a month, but i really don't remember if it's in a previous blog. this long and short- the moon rules me. forget all your new age windham hill listening, incense burning, gregorian chanting bullshit. this one is for real. i can't explain it. you'll just have to take my word for it. those that know me will attest. they'll probably also tell you that i'm just as easily thrown into fits of insanity by the effects of the sun, stars, and air. all i know is, once a lunar cycle, people get weirder and i hate them all more. working in this despicable job, at this time of year, is also sure to heighten anyone's misanthropy to damaging levels. if mother theresa worked one christmas season in retail, she'd have been beating people over the head with a crucifix. that reminds me, dianne said the funniest thing to me that i think i've ever heard. about a week or so ago, i entered the classroom where she and a few other floral designers were plugging away at a mass production of wreaths, and i announced that i had to go home, because i lost my gloves and box cutter. her reply, " well, it looks like your out of the play now, jesus." i thought i was going to piss myself. it has become the catch phrase of the season. hey one more thing on a topical note... if you were going to design a sea worthy vessel that was responsible for carrying millions of gallons of fuel oil, shouldn't you design it with enough structural integrity, so that no matter how fast you were traveling or how hard you rammed it into something that it would under no circumstances BREAK IN FUCKING HALF? thank you and good night...

So are you to my thoughts as food to life,
Or as sweet seasoned showers are to the ground;
And for the peace of you I hold such strife
As 'twixt a miser and his wealth is found:
Now proud as an enjoyer, and anon
Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure;
Now counting best to be wtih you alone,
Then betered that the world may see my pleasure;
Sometime all full with feasting on your sight,
And by and by clean starvèd for a look;
Possessing or pursuing no delight
Save what is had or must from you be took:
Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,
Or gluttoning on all, or all away.
-shakespeare sonnet#75

i had an epiphany today, while seriously not kissing the ass of the zone vice president during his surprise visit. actually the surprise was more like twenty four hours notice, but considering the condition of that shithole somepeople call a store, he might as well have dropped in unannounced. anyway, the thing that occured to me is this... i believe my life will improve greatly if it is no longer controlled by skinny women or short, fat men... words to live by- learn it, know it, live it... as god as my witness i shall never go corporate again!

maybe it's like a drug... i know for a fact that i have an addictive personality. i find something that makes me feels good, and i want it all the time. i go to great lengths to get more, and i suffer when i can't have it. whatever it is- even if it's not good for me. actually, especially if it's not good for me... i'm actually feeling withdrawal. that's sick. i've been so distracted lately that when i'm not copping a fix, i have nothing... this isn't good. i feel like shit most of the time lately. i feel like i'm running out of time. something's got to give...

we told the kids about the divorce on tuesday night. it was horrible. i haven't written about it until today, and i don't know if i'll make it through. rylee was the first to react. as long as i live i don't think i'll remember anything as horrible as watching him crumple into tears the way he did. we all cried. as much as jenn and i tried to reassure them, it was just painful. they've been watching another couple we know go through a not so nice seperation, and i think that is their immediate perception of divorce. hell, i think most of the time it is the norm. i'm so worried about all this. it just makes me question everything. i'm not regretting our decision. this is the way that it is. i just don't want them to get hurt. to think this isn't going to hurt them, however, isn't very realistic. it's going to take time. each day there is some other weirdness that rears it's head, and puts my brain into a spin. most of the time i just walk around work in a daze- more so than before. i'm so tired. more later...

last night was a blast... went to rochester for the lords of acid concert with jason, his sister, kristin, and his friend, jc. it's been a long time since i was crushed in a crowd, up against the stage, screaming, jumping, head banging, et all. my ears are ringing, my body is broken and i feel great about the whole thing. lords of acid were amazing. deb is a sex godess and praga khan is my kinda guy. when they took the stage, all vinyl-ed up and looking dangerously glam, i really felt at home. they were so eighties new wave with a dark side i couldn't stand it. it felt like 1981 and i was old enough to go out... shut up- i was only thirteen that year. jc and kristin got pulled up on stage for the second to last song, pussy. what a great time. then jason and i almost got mangled when praga and then deb decided to crowd surf... how cool. i enjoyed the company too. jc is very quick-witted, gorgeous,and has definite potential to be larger than life. kristin is very cute in a lady assassin sort of way and funny as hell. they were great on stage. what a rush. i have to start doing this shit more often. i feel like my life is getting the kick in the ass that it needed. i enjoyed spending the night and day before with the kids too. i feel a bit strange about the way things will change here- that the kids and i won't see each other everyday, but i enjoy the time when we are together, just the four of us... they love jason. even bob, the cat, loves him. bob doesn't like many people. i think he may be gay...

glitter. i absolutely hate glitter. no, i'm not talking about the mariah carie bomb. don't mistake me- i hate her too- more than glitter. why do i have such an aversion to these shiny little flecks? anyone who has worked in retail in a home decor capacity at christmas time might know and share my pain. nine out of ten products that are stocked on the shelves at christmas time are covered in the stuff. thereby anyone who is subjected to stock said items on a shelf, becomes one with the sparkle. it's everywhere on the body that you can imagine from september to january. right now, as we speak, it's on my november... and i just took a shower! as i'm not confident in my ability to incite a world wide boycott on cheesy glitz, i guess i'll have to invent a product to remove glitter. you see, it doesn't come off. you just push it around your body. try as you might to get rid of it- you just have to ride it out until that magical day mid january when you wake up and it's gone. hopefully i can beat the glitter. i'm not sure what effect it might have on a potential interview to have a face full of sparkle. i suppose it would depend on the job...

i just couldn't wait another two days to update the site. i had to get tori up here. i'm listening to tori's new cd, scarlet's walk. it's amazing. i feel like i did when under the pink got me through 1994. i can't wait to see her in toronto at the end of the month- thanks to my sugar baby. this is definitely a painting album. if i weren't still exhausted, i might be inspired to create more than a journal entry. the past week has been a farce at work- lots of long hours prepping for inventory, headaches, and the usual post event let down. i hate working in retail. blah blah blah. we've heard this before. it's hard to keep in mind the motivation to escape my current turmoil when i am bogged down in it all the time. i seem to slip into these situations easily and take forever to get out of them. i have to wait until the pain is unbearable, etc. i was in a really fucked up mood all day today. i was being unreasonably bitchy to jason. i was doing it the other day, too. i think i get this need to assert myself, so i don't get lost in the whole what other people want me to be versus me. i have taken my latest criticism from people lightly, but it really pisses me off. i just don't want to take myself or anyone else too seriously. i can't handle more seriousness. i need fluff and sparkle, not doom and gloom. i feel the need for change, but i would really like the end result to be me. i’m so easily swayed sometimes. i have to regain control and keep it that way. what a paradox. i want to have fun and spontaneity, but maintain a structure of progression. i need to evolve into the next phase, not just repeat old ones. at times, lately, things are looking way too much like 1994. the fear of a life undiscovered, blond boys that could tear my heart out, and the happy haze they create. it isn’t fair to rehash and not give fair chances, but i can still smell the blood of that old wound. things are different now, though. i am a different person, and the players just seem similar- they are not what they seem to the black parts of my mind. whatever. in college i had a journal. in that journal i would often end an entry with the same saying. i think it’s appropriate here… these things will all change today, tomorrow, or next week...

of course i have the tv on in the background... it serves as background noise as i surf. last weekend i spent the whole two days i had off doing absolutely nothing. as i sat at the computer for nearly the entire sunday, alura finally came to me and asked "daddy, if sitting in front of the tv for hours is a waste of time... isn't sitting in front of the computer the same thing? damn. i hate it when the kids call me on shit. actually, i love it when they do that. it keeps things in perspective for me. this morning sierra asked me why i was wearing another guy's shirt when i came home, and then asked if i like him? i haven't told them a thing, but then i don't think i could really hide anything from them, especially sierra. she is a radar for aberrant behavior. usually, however, it is society that deems it deviant, not me, so i let it slide. what the next generation will view as normal is frightening and exciting all at once. so the tv… nirvana is back with a new album, and it’s the talk of the tube. who cares that the lead singer has been dead for nearly a decade- that never stopped jimi hendrix from putting out umpteen new records. i miss calling them records. album sounds so antiseptic. anyway, the nirvana resurgence has made me nostalgic for my angst ridden pseudo- grunge days. i recalled an earlier journal of mine with an entry pertaining to mr. cobain’s premature demise, and sought it out to read it. after reading that day’s log i realised that you could cut and paste the whole thing into today’s weblog and see little difference between the way i felt about life, the universe, and everything then and now… it could be depressing, but i’m still looking to break the chain. i’m continually frustrated with myself and the choices i’ve made lately, but i have to let it go and move on. i don’t want to fall into the trap of taking myself too seriously again, but i don’t want to take things too lightly either. i feel like i’m slowly regaining my self esteem. i think a bit of it can be attributed to my journey into psycho-analysis, and part of it is the rejuvenating effect certain people have had on me lately. jason has been integral in keeping my head together. no one gets it, but i no longer feel the need to defend myself. people will do what they do, and think what they think. i can’t stop that. i just walk away when they start in on the whole anti jason campaign. i see what they see, and understand and appreciate their concern. all i have to do is read my own long lost thoughts in an old journal to realize the kindred spirit factor at work. without dwelling on the past, it also helps me keep an eye out for signs of trouble, without expecting them to happen. kurt cobain was a genius in a fashion, but he did blow his own face off. on my new path- that is not an option, or a thought to tinker with, so what i’m doing can’t be all that bad…
I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly That's okay 'cause so are you We've broken our mirrors Sunday morning is everyday for all i care And i'm not scared Light my candles in a daze 'Cause i found God Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I'm so lonely, that's okay, i shaved my head And i'm not sad And just maybe i'm to blame for all i've heard But i'm not sure I'm so excited, i can't wait to meet you there And i don't care I'm so horny, that's okay my will is good Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly, but that's okay 'cause so are you We've broken our mirrors Sunday morning is everyday for all i care And i'm not scared Light my candles in a daze 'cause i found god! Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I like i... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack

last saturday was an exercise in the surreal. after talking about it for two years, sue and i finally went out, and we had a really good time. as much as the cultural stimulation i've gotten lately has been refreshing- it was equally nice to get stupid drunk and dance all night. the fact that jen, her sister, and their friend david where there made it even better. jennifer is a trip. she is wickedly funny. david seems really cool, although i was really intimidated by him all night , and didn’t talk much. clubs aren’t exactly conducive to getting to know someone new. i was so intent on getting a buzz on, that i may have come off as cold. i just don’t get out- period… i didn’t want to pass up the chance to recapture those long gone days of fun and excitement. life has been too much introspection and self criticism for far too long. i’ve gotten lost in the mire of my own self denial. anyway, the night ended with some unexpected, but perfectly befitting drama on my part. and of course i haven’t followed up on calling david. whatever. i’m pathetic. i just need to relax and take things as they come. if good things come of all this great- if not, it’s on to the next step. i feel like i’m finally turning the corner on this whole being happy with who i am thing. i don’t want to lose my momentum. it’d be nice to get to know david though. he’s intriguing and i could certainly use a friend. i hope sue and i can hang out more often now too. she and i are a matched set. i’ve always kidded her about being on the path to becoming me. now we are on equal footing. i can be such a pretentious boob sometimes. i think they call it talking smack. at least my wife had a productive night on her date. this is where the feeling of absurdity come into play… jennifer and i sat around sunday afternoon, after we both got home, comparing notes on our individual outings. it was just like old times… weird.

it's been a full week. steven and i went to see david sedaris on thursday evening at ub. he was as brilliant as i expected, and my face was numb from laughter by the end of the program. i was so inspired to write when we first left the theater. i was charged and did my best to entertain my fellow fans as we stood in line for the next hour or so waiting to have our books signed. i began to panic when we hit the velvet rope for fear of having nothing brilliant of my own to say to the master of wit. i practiced about six or so possible interactions, and of course when the moment arrived i stood there like stunned fish wide eyed and mouth gaping. what an ass. i suppose the whole thing would have gone off a little differently if the girl behind us hadn't decided to drag a table and chair along with her as a gag to greet him. needless to say, he was too preoccupied with the impending, embarrassing interchange that would follow us to strike up a clever chat. none the less, it was a nice evening. i've enjoyed regaining a slightly more cultural foothold lately. i think it has helped to pull me up out of the ditch my life had become. i'm not throwing away everything that has happened to this point. i love my children, i love jennifer. it was not all for naught, but i abandoned myself in the process of trying to be someone i am not. i feel a sense of empowerment recently to finally be who i truly am. i'm not going to shove what i am down everyone's throat to justify it all to myself, but i'm not hiding anymore. some people at work i've either told outright or gone to greater lengths not to censor myself in front of for fear they will out me. i'm not exactly sure what they will do or what i will do in response, but i think people, for the most part, will see that i am the same person. if that isn't reason enough for them not to like me, the rest is just wasted anyway. over the past month my life has been torn up and set down on a new path. a path i believe i was following about a decade ago, before i was side-tracked. i've already seen where my instincts can hurt people, and where my old behavior can leak out. in some respects i have quite a bit to catch up on. emotionally i'm about fifteen years old on this side of the fence. i have to relearn some behavior, but i have a feeling it will all be okay though. if not, there's always california...

in the spirit of updating this site on a monthly basis to pay homage to my lyrical and artistic favorites, i've changed the content more than actually write journal entries. to say that the last few weeks have been eventful would be one of the larger understatements of my life. in fact this year has been a passage into the surreal all around. i didn't want this blog to be an endless string of personal problems and bitching- even i'm sick of hearing it. the time has come, however, to share. the reader's digest abridged version might read something like this: i've been married for a little over seven years, have been going to counseling with my wife over the past ten months, and we've amicably agreed to get a divorce. there are a thousand stories, a hundred grudges, and many sleepless nights that came before that final decision, obviously. there is a book in there i'm sure, but it would exceed my memory limit- and i'm not just talking about the amount of space allowed on my site. during the first ten minutes of our last marriage counseling session two weeks ago, we basically looked at each other and decided to stop the bullshit. we've tried for years now to work all this out, mostly for the sake of the kids. it's just not going to work that way. i'd rather my kids grow up seeing us get along apart than miserable together. for so long divorce was just not an option. it seemed to me as the easy way out- an option that too many people choose too easily. we aren't shirking our responsibilities. we aren't deluding ourselves into thinking this will make life easier- it will make it all that much harder. i know for myself, however, that the pain of being untrue to myself at this point is worse than the pain of change. i'm sure jennifer feels the same. immediately after the our agreement, we both felt like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders. the scoreboard was taken down, and all that crap we have been putting each other through was gone- well not gone, but no longer as important. we got along better over the next few days than we had in seven years. it was nice to feel like friends again. things have seemed to go in and out of favor since then, but i think overall we will be good. we have quite a bit to work through, mentally, legally, etc. if we're comfortable with the choices we make, we don't care what anyone thinks. we can get through this, we can stay close ,and as long as the kids are our top priority, we'll all be alright. there are so many more things to say, so many factors to weigh, but i'll save it for another time...

the following blurb was sent to me by my wife...
The name of mark gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature.
You stick stubbornly to your ideas or decisions, in spite of any appeals
or advice; you are not willing to accept a compromise. You prefer to be
alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others. This
name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal
expression. When you are required to express yourself in personal matters
requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed.
Although you realize perfectly well what is expected of you, you are
unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something
inappropriate in a candid way. You can express your deeper thoughts and
feelings best through writing. Your friendships and personal associations
are rather restricted, being limited to those of a similar nature who can
understand and accept your rather straightforward yet reserved manner.
You are steadfast and loyal, and do not allow gossip or anything
belittling to be said against those whom you accept in friendship. You
find satisfaction in being outdoors or in getting out into nature, or in
dealing with the products of the earth. There is originality and depth of
thought contained in this name, particularly along practical and
mathematical lines. This name can adversely affect the health of your
respiratory organs, the heart and lungs. Also, you are prone to suffer
from weaknesses centering in the head.
i find thee types of things fascinating. i am caught somewhere between the realist and the dreamer, when it comes to the idea of predestined behavior as determined by someone's name, stars, or the like. is it just that the factors that make up these classifications are left vague enough for wild interprtation, or that they are recognized as a pattern over eons of human observation. i suppose it come down to faith vs. fact. facts can be distorted to serve the will of the fact finder. faith has a differnet source... i'm not talking about religion here. it seems, however, that there is a definite structure to all things if you are open to find them. i think the trick is to take everything with a grain of salt. truth may be constant, it's interpretation is ever changing. if society were based on the notion that the meaning of your name made up who you are, there would be another whole collection of prejudices to keep us from evolving. less than a hundred years ago women had to author books with male pseudonyms to be taken seriously. in some places your name is belies your ethnic heritage and therefore leaves people open to discrimination. on the other hand, the patterns of life, the universe and evreything cannot just be dismissed as hoakey. the new age movement has done just as much to open peoples eyes to the tenets of different world cultures as it has to blind people to change by catagorizing everthing that doesn't fall into the top five religions as new age... i'm still trying to figure out what i truly believe. it's nothing that anyone should die for, nor is it available in large print from a giant publishing house, nor is it found in reading rocks thrown on a table. i want to believe evrything is possible, but i tend to think along practical and mathematical linesand stick stubbornly to my ideas or decisions. hmmm...maybe i am a mark...

warning...warning...meltdown...danger...identity crisis eminant...i just cut my hair. nothing too radical. i just need to shed this skin. i usually resist change at all costs. then the dam breaks and all the impulses that i've kept in reserve come flooding out. pardon the mixed metaphors. maybe i'm a water snake...whatever. i've been thinking too much...

let the gap begin... i just caught some of the mtv video music awards. wow. i am turning into an old codger. i realize that i am getting older, and there is some unwritten rule about not understanding the younger generation's customs, but... how do people function in the mainstream these days? is it me or is enimem the biggest, no-talent loser to stretch his career to the limits of a quarter hour? i don't understand the hip-hop culture. i enjoy rhythym when i hear it, but what the hell is with the designer sweat suits, and licking your lips every three seconds? i don't get it. why does everyone sing like they have a mouth full of chips? is it me or is jennifer lopez slowly morphing into gloria estefan? why do these things bother me? i guess i'm just tired of the rehash. are there no more original ideas? are we at the end? the best i can hope for these days is the mixing of elements that worked before. whatever the case, if the end product doesn't have a soul, why bother? oh, yeah. money. now we just take elements of songs that made money before, sample them, rip them off, spit them back out, and cash in. lovely. even newer musicians i like, seem to be archetypes of old favorites. i'm not a classic rock puritan. don't get me wrong. my tastes are an amalgam of my sisters' and brother's before me. i can enjoy almost any kind of music. i can dance along to the top 40 hit with the great beat you can dance to, get lost in a twenty minute long arena rock song, or slip into an electronica trance. i think i'm musically open minded, but 90% of what is new sucks ass. i don't get producing something just for shock value. howard stern, jackass, tom green crassness is shallow, empty and luckily short lived for the most part. where does it end? when you've smashed the last boundary, what's next? enimem sings about killing people and rape, and he's a genius? he's a dirty, little, perverted child kicking and screaming in public, and too many people are giving him attention. just because he can rhyme to a beat? rose are red, violets are blue, get this little white punk off the stage... i have been surprised on occasion. that which i rail against has thrown me a curve, and i've bent in the favor of the masses. i don't like to admit it, but sometimes it's nice to be proven wrong. someone out there please prove me wrong. show me talent and words that speak to me, and i'll go along. until then if you need to find me... i'm the thirty-something guy blasting indian tribal rhythms in his station wagon.

i suppose if i've made the effort to create this page, i should make the effort to update it more than every 23 days. it's not air-tight yet, but i'm working on it when i can. so much has happened since the last entry, and that's a considerable change from the past few summers. we set out at the beginning of the season to spend more time as a family, doing things outdoors, etc., and we've done quite a bit. money is always an issue, but we've managed to entertain ourselves with minimal expense, maximum joy. luckily, we are all easily entertained... we just spent last weekend camping with my sister, kathy, and her family, my sister, karen, and my family. the eleven of us had a great time. at one point we were on the beach outside old fort niagara, and i said to my sister, "i dread the day when my kids don't get excited about looking at rocks on a beach." alura is partial to sea glass, sierra likes finding shells and unusually colored rocks, and rylee looks for smoothed porcelain- 'they look like teeth". my wife, jennifer, paints animals on rocks, so she combs the beach looking for animal forms. i am forever searching for the perfect skipping stone. camping for us is all about rocks and sticks. walking sticks, fire poking sticks, marshmallow roasting sticks... if my kids are going to fight with swords, no matter how much i discourage them, i'd rather they use their imaginations and a blunt stick than a fifty dollar, battery-operated, light- up, scimitar with sound effects. i sound like an old codger when i say that kids today have no imagination, but for the most part it's true. or when imagination is encouraged, it seems that it's completely without scope and over the top. like so many other things their is no middle ground. i believe firmly that children are entitled to be children, but where is the balance? we're encouraged to buy toys that talk, walk, think, and play for our children. it's sad when a kid picks up an ordinary teddy bear, squeezes it, then asks "why doesn't it do anything?" the computer chip has made it possible to pull the world together in so many ways, and dumb down our kids at the same time. god forbid you ask an adolescent to add without an electronic device to aid them. gone are the days that families can enjoy a car ride with music or conversation. we have to break off from each other with a portable tv in between us with a set of earphones for everyone. perhaps we don't want to talk to our kids anymore. they are just another commodity to pour our money into as a substitute for genuineness. perhaps it's just training for the future. we're preparing them to become mindless, working drones in the cubicle hive, only capable of establishing fractured relationships and bad credit. i also don't subscribe to the idea that kids can't be held accountable for their actions, because they are children, and don't know better. ha,ha,ha did i mention that i it was a relaxing weekend? can you tell i've been back to work for three days? pardon my abrupt tirade. i'll settle down now. that reminds me- it's time for my medication. ha,ha,ha. i suppose my parents didn't do such a bang up job either... they weren't perfect either. perhaps someday my kids will be sitting across from an expensive therapist complaining about all the times their father dragged them off to the woods for another family outing when all they really wanted was a battery-operated sword with sound effects. whatever...

i have obtained the habit over the last fifteen years or so of starting and not finishing quite a number of personal journals. i have the best of intentions at the beginning, but... i suppose this way, there's less paper wasted. anyway, after the fifth or sixth stalled attempt i began to refer to the accumulation of partially filled journals as "the books of david". thus the title of this page. no, my name is not david. at least it isn't my first name. i just have an affinity for the name. it tends to resurface in my life constantly. it's my middle name, and the name i sign my artwork, my former cat's name, my son's middlename, and the name of my favorite piece of artwork. anyway, that sort of explains the name. as for the format...i love art in all it's aspects. with this journal i'll be exposing myself in the company of my favorite artists, visual, musical, and literary. i'll show some of my own art ( for viewing only- please don't steal or copy without my permission), and the art, music, and words that inspire me. okay, enough of the spiritually uplifting explanations- on with the fun and the bitching....