well, my son will have his first pair of glasses early next week. it's official his left eye is perfectly fine, but his right eye is a mess- he's far-sighted with an astigmatism. he looks cute in the glasses, but i don't have a ton of faith in how long they will last on an active six year old boy. as for the look, they'd better look good-the whole affair cost me two hundred dollars. money i did not have, by the way. ah well, i'm just glad that he'll be able to see now. i was getting a little worried while the doctor was examining his eyes. he did the usual routine that i am used to enduring, but then kept doing more and more tests that i have never seen. when he began pulling extra lenses off the wall and holding them up to his eye, i was thinking "surgery" or " blindness",etc. luckily, he just needs spectacles. as it is, he'll also have to wear an eye-patch from time to time, in conjunction with the new glasses, to realign his eyeballs. the fun never stops. my son, the dread pirate roberts...
Monday, January 31, 2005
The End of Days
today is the last in my series of four days off. ugh. i dread going back to that shithole tomorrow. this is really no way to live. there is no money or future in retail management, unless you sell your soul and move to where ever the corporation you work for wants to send you. i passed up many an opportunity with michaels because of that. i'm afraid that any day now LNT is going to decide that i have to go work in niagara falls or something. yuck. i enjoy living a block away from work, but that's really all that i enjoy about this job. my boss is a bean counting, by-the-book-unless-it- pertains-to-her, corporate opportunist cunt rag. i absolutely despise her. last week i was written up for going home sick two days in a row. yes, that's right- for being sick. apparently my slew of absences are setting a bad pattern. what fucking ever. i've never been written up for anything in my life. now i have to stay after school and bang erasers because of this pretentious bitch. just because her uterus dried up years ago for lack of use, she doesn't get my situation with the kids. although it seems stupid for me to expect special treatment because i'm a parent, what the hell am i going to do? i'm already pissing away whatever salary jump i made coming to this job by paying insanely high health benefit rates. add to that the impending daycare costs and the student loans that will catch back up with me, and i am beginning to move backwards again. why work 60 hours a week and not have anything to show for it? meanwhile i have to check my kids homework at 5 or 6am and hope they get up to their alarm clock every morning, so that my boyfriend can get them on the bus. why? because retail demands that you are in the building two many hours ahead of opening to jerk off and pretend it was worth getting up that early. if i owned my own business do you think i would get there at 6am for any reason whatsoever? i think not, baby puppy. and this is why i don't talk about my job very often. not only is it unimportant to me- i can't help but bitch about it ad nauseum. hopefully jason and i can enjoy the day. well, at least before i have to take rylee to the eye doctor and spend what little money i have left...
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Deadbeat mothers of the world unite!
so i just get a phone call from the ex. after nearly two weeks of no contact, she called to inform me that she has aquired her first job in over a year (the last one having been her first job in about seven years...). she just wanted to let me know that she will be busy during the week, so she can't watch the kids. of course this information changes nothing, as she doesn't see her children ever- let alone on a weekday. unless, of course, she was hinting to the fact that now that she has a job, she will owe me child-support. i'm sure that was her primary concern, but it was never mentioned. she also managed to squeeze in a reminder that next saturday is her birthday. she would naturally rather spend it with her handful of lame-ass goth/pathetic rock band wanna-be/ loser friends than her children. if only we could give someone like her the death penalty for lameness...
Life on the upswing
we've been having a little fun with the hacked eye-toy on the computer. photos and silly movies abound. what is really distressing, however, is seeing how large i've become. i hide it well enough with clothing (although the constant repetition of the three outfits that still fit me is becoming harder to manage.) this is on the long list of things that must change soon. i figure at this point of my life, i might as well start making some of these adjustments instead of continually rehashing the list in my head daily... i'm sick of listening to myself. i've been in the doldrums for a while now. by a while of course i mean six months or so. i'm exhausted. i hate retail. i hate that i have no time or money. i'm tired of never making time for fun- or enjoying fun when it's under my nose. i'm tired of being angry all the time. the deepset furrow of my brow has nearly reached my skull. botox wouldn't clear that sucker up. thank god michelle is back in my life. she tends to slap me in the head and say "wake the fuck up!" at some points she can overshoot the mark and become borderline abusive, but i need strong feedback in my life. i can't really take myself so seriously when she is around. dan emailed me last week too. i love that i will go months without contact with the handful of friends that i have, and then everyone calls or visits on the same day. like my cries out to the universe for a friend are actually being picked up on someone's short wave radio. i also need to update my real life buddy list. fefe keeps yelling at me to call her, but i've always sucked with the phone. i feel like i'm going to intrude on someone to call them. then every monday morning when i see her, hse's like " why didn't you call- i was watching the paint peel again..." i'll never learn. i'm a pain in the ass friend. ah well, maybe if i get out of my head- i'll get out of the house... life has been hectic and difficult with the kids, but i'm sure i can make some more creative decisions to make time for happier things.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
i'm not the type of person who feels the need to use the new year as a reason to start anew and resolve issues in my life. let's just say that i have hit another wall in my life, and it's time to rid myself of the things that continually drive me there. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised that it has come to this. having the kids was supposed to have been the right choice and the good thing in my life. it has been nothing but a constant struggle. that is not to say that i made the wrong choice or that i hold my children responsible. when it's just us, things seem more manageable. yes, i get frustrated and impatient, but it's mostly because i feel completely alone- that the only help i get is undeserved or worse- reluctantly given. i realize that the only reason my "boyfriend" has been with me for two years is because he doesn't know what else to do with himself. he has helped me with the kids as much as he can, but it won't last much longer. his impatience and lack of caring has done nothing but kill whatever relationship they have, and it's not doing anything for me either. i've become way to dependent on him lately anyway. whatever, it's just about over... fuck it all.
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