i just couldn't wait another two days to update the site. i had to get tori up here. i'm listening to tori's new cd, scarlet's walk. it's amazing. i feel like i did when under the pink got me through 1994. i can't wait to see her in toronto at the end of the month- thanks to my sugar baby. this is definitely a painting album. if i weren't still exhausted, i might be inspired to create more than a journal entry. the past week has been a farce at work- lots of long hours prepping for inventory, headaches, and the usual post event let down. i hate working in retail. blah blah blah. we've heard this before. it's hard to keep in mind the motivation to escape my current turmoil when i am bogged down in it all the time. i seem to slip into these situations easily and take forever to get out of them. i have to wait until the pain is unbearable, etc. i was in a really fucked up mood all day today. i was being unreasonably bitchy to jason. i was doing it the other day, too. i think i get this need to assert myself, so i don't get lost in the whole what other people want me to be versus me. i have taken my latest criticism from people lightly, but it really pisses me off. i just don't want to take myself or anyone else too seriously. i can't handle more seriousness. i need fluff and sparkle, not doom and gloom. i feel the need for change, but i would really like the end result to be me. i’m so easily swayed sometimes. i have to regain control and keep it that way. what a paradox. i want to have fun and spontaneity, but maintain a structure of progression. i need to evolve into the next phase, not just repeat old ones. at times, lately, things are looking way too much like 1994. the fear of a life undiscovered, blond boys that could tear my heart out, and the happy haze they create. it isn’t fair to rehash and not give fair chances, but i can still smell the blood of that old wound. things are different now, though. i am a different person, and the players just seem similar- they are not what they seem to the black parts of my mind. whatever. in college i had a journal. in that journal i would often end an entry with the same saying. i think it’s appropriate here… these things will all change today, tomorrow, or next week...

of course i have the tv on in the background... it serves as background noise as i surf. last weekend i spent the whole two days i had off doing absolutely nothing. as i sat at the computer for nearly the entire sunday, alura finally came to me and asked "daddy, if sitting in front of the tv for hours is a waste of time... isn't sitting in front of the computer the same thing? damn. i hate it when the kids call me on shit. actually, i love it when they do that. it keeps things in perspective for me. this morning sierra asked me why i was wearing another guy's shirt when i came home, and then asked if i like him? i haven't told them a thing, but then i don't think i could really hide anything from them, especially sierra. she is a radar for aberrant behavior. usually, however, it is society that deems it deviant, not me, so i let it slide. what the next generation will view as normal is frightening and exciting all at once. so the tv… nirvana is back with a new album, and it’s the talk of the tube. who cares that the lead singer has been dead for nearly a decade- that never stopped jimi hendrix from putting out umpteen new records. i miss calling them records. album sounds so antiseptic. anyway, the nirvana resurgence has made me nostalgic for my angst ridden pseudo- grunge days. i recalled an earlier journal of mine with an entry pertaining to mr. cobain’s premature demise, and sought it out to read it. after reading that day’s log i realised that you could cut and paste the whole thing into today’s weblog and see little difference between the way i felt about life, the universe, and everything then and now… it could be depressing, but i’m still looking to break the chain. i’m continually frustrated with myself and the choices i’ve made lately, but i have to let it go and move on. i don’t want to fall into the trap of taking myself too seriously again, but i don’t want to take things too lightly either. i feel like i’m slowly regaining my self esteem. i think a bit of it can be attributed to my journey into psycho-analysis, and part of it is the rejuvenating effect certain people have had on me lately. jason has been integral in keeping my head together. no one gets it, but i no longer feel the need to defend myself. people will do what they do, and think what they think. i can’t stop that. i just walk away when they start in on the whole anti jason campaign. i see what they see, and understand and appreciate their concern. all i have to do is read my own long lost thoughts in an old journal to realize the kindred spirit factor at work. without dwelling on the past, it also helps me keep an eye out for signs of trouble, without expecting them to happen. kurt cobain was a genius in a fashion, but he did blow his own face off. on my new path- that is not an option, or a thought to tinker with, so what i’m doing can’t be all that bad…
I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly That's okay 'cause so are you We've broken our mirrors Sunday morning is everyday for all i care And i'm not scared Light my candles in a daze 'Cause i found God Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I'm so lonely, that's okay, i shaved my head And i'm not sad And just maybe i'm to blame for all i've heard But i'm not sure I'm so excited, i can't wait to meet you there And i don't care I'm so horny, that's okay my will is good Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly, but that's okay 'cause so are you We've broken our mirrors Sunday morning is everyday for all i care And i'm not scared Light my candles in a daze 'cause i found god! Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I like i... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack

last saturday was an exercise in the surreal. after talking about it for two years, sue and i finally went out, and we had a really good time. as much as the cultural stimulation i've gotten lately has been refreshing- it was equally nice to get stupid drunk and dance all night. the fact that jen, her sister, and their friend david where there made it even better. jennifer is a trip. she is wickedly funny. david seems really cool, although i was really intimidated by him all night , and didn’t talk much. clubs aren’t exactly conducive to getting to know someone new. i was so intent on getting a buzz on, that i may have come off as cold. i just don’t get out- period… i didn’t want to pass up the chance to recapture those long gone days of fun and excitement. life has been too much introspection and self criticism for far too long. i’ve gotten lost in the mire of my own self denial. anyway, the night ended with some unexpected, but perfectly befitting drama on my part. and of course i haven’t followed up on calling david. whatever. i’m pathetic. i just need to relax and take things as they come. if good things come of all this great- if not, it’s on to the next step. i feel like i’m finally turning the corner on this whole being happy with who i am thing. i don’t want to lose my momentum. it’d be nice to get to know david though. he’s intriguing and i could certainly use a friend. i hope sue and i can hang out more often now too. she and i are a matched set. i’ve always kidded her about being on the path to becoming me. now we are on equal footing. i can be such a pretentious boob sometimes. i think they call it talking smack. at least my wife had a productive night on her date. this is where the feeling of absurdity come into play… jennifer and i sat around sunday afternoon, after we both got home, comparing notes on our individual outings. it was just like old times… weird.

it's been a full week. steven and i went to see david sedaris on thursday evening at ub. he was as brilliant as i expected, and my face was numb from laughter by the end of the program. i was so inspired to write when we first left the theater. i was charged and did my best to entertain my fellow fans as we stood in line for the next hour or so waiting to have our books signed. i began to panic when we hit the velvet rope for fear of having nothing brilliant of my own to say to the master of wit. i practiced about six or so possible interactions, and of course when the moment arrived i stood there like stunned fish wide eyed and mouth gaping. what an ass. i suppose the whole thing would have gone off a little differently if the girl behind us hadn't decided to drag a table and chair along with her as a gag to greet him. needless to say, he was too preoccupied with the impending, embarrassing interchange that would follow us to strike up a clever chat. none the less, it was a nice evening. i've enjoyed regaining a slightly more cultural foothold lately. i think it has helped to pull me up out of the ditch my life had become. i'm not throwing away everything that has happened to this point. i love my children, i love jennifer. it was not all for naught, but i abandoned myself in the process of trying to be someone i am not. i feel a sense of empowerment recently to finally be who i truly am. i'm not going to shove what i am down everyone's throat to justify it all to myself, but i'm not hiding anymore. some people at work i've either told outright or gone to greater lengths not to censor myself in front of for fear they will out me. i'm not exactly sure what they will do or what i will do in response, but i think people, for the most part, will see that i am the same person. if that isn't reason enough for them not to like me, the rest is just wasted anyway. over the past month my life has been torn up and set down on a new path. a path i believe i was following about a decade ago, before i was side-tracked. i've already seen where my instincts can hurt people, and where my old behavior can leak out. in some respects i have quite a bit to catch up on. emotionally i'm about fifteen years old on this side of the fence. i have to relearn some behavior, but i have a feeling it will all be okay though. if not, there's always california...

in the spirit of updating this site on a monthly basis to pay homage to my lyrical and artistic favorites, i've changed the content more than actually write journal entries. to say that the last few weeks have been eventful would be one of the larger understatements of my life. in fact this year has been a passage into the surreal all around. i didn't want this blog to be an endless string of personal problems and bitching- even i'm sick of hearing it. the time has come, however, to share. the reader's digest abridged version might read something like this: i've been married for a little over seven years, have been going to counseling with my wife over the past ten months, and we've amicably agreed to get a divorce. there are a thousand stories, a hundred grudges, and many sleepless nights that came before that final decision, obviously. there is a book in there i'm sure, but it would exceed my memory limit- and i'm not just talking about the amount of space allowed on my site. during the first ten minutes of our last marriage counseling session two weeks ago, we basically looked at each other and decided to stop the bullshit. we've tried for years now to work all this out, mostly for the sake of the kids. it's just not going to work that way. i'd rather my kids grow up seeing us get along apart than miserable together. for so long divorce was just not an option. it seemed to me as the easy way out- an option that too many people choose too easily. we aren't shirking our responsibilities. we aren't deluding ourselves into thinking this will make life easier- it will make it all that much harder. i know for myself, however, that the pain of being untrue to myself at this point is worse than the pain of change. i'm sure jennifer feels the same. immediately after the our agreement, we both felt like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders. the scoreboard was taken down, and all that crap we have been putting each other through was gone- well not gone, but no longer as important. we got along better over the next few days than we had in seven years. it was nice to feel like friends again. things have seemed to go in and out of favor since then, but i think overall we will be good. we have quite a bit to work through, mentally, legally, etc. if we're comfortable with the choices we make, we don't care what anyone thinks. we can get through this, we can stay close ,and as long as the kids are our top priority, we'll all be alright. there are so many more things to say, so many factors to weigh, but i'll save it for another time...