i can't sleep. i just posted a recap of the past year's events on this gay fatherhood group i joined. i can't get my head around how i'm going to take care of the kids in january. of course, i can't wait to have them. i miss them all the time. i just don't know how i'm going to balance it all. i just want them to have some stability in thier lives. i also can't think of alura going to live with her father in arizona without sobbing. i just can't take it. i keep seeing her in my mind as the little two year old curly headed cutie that stole my heart. how could anyone be so selfish to want her to just go away? i will never understand it. i wish i had a ton of money to hire a shark of a lawyer to prove them all insane, so i could get custody of all three of my kids. i'm so bitter, but more than that, i'm just fucking sad. these guys shouldn't have to go through all this. it isn't fair. i feel like it's all my fault for finally coming out. would they have been better off the way things were with only me suffering through a facade, or is this better that i am who i am and our family is scattered to the winds. i hate this... i hate it almost as much as i hate the idea of getting up in 3 hours to go to that shithole job. ho, ho,ho merry fucking christmas.