keep your minivans and blue ribbons to yourself, bitch!

i often feel like i'm neglecting the kids. be it my work schedule, the fact that when i am around i'm tired, or whateverthe kids are getting what they need from me. i think they feel unwanted around here some of the time. i think that's what inspired me to let sierra have a chuck e. cheese party for her ninth birthday this saturday. ugh. being in charge of nine random kids i don't know running amuck isn't my idea of fun, but the kid needs a little something special. i can't say that the prepackagedness of it all didn't strike me as convenient. you supply the food, plates, entertainment,etc.- i'll pay. i like that arrangement. i'm not a soccer mom. i don't mix well with other parents. i find them dull- mostly because i'm immature. i don't do the pta pageant. i hate it. trying desperately hard to pretend that you are the perect parent by running yourself ragged and making your children constantly jump through hoops to show how dedicated you are to their development. i can't knock the whole thing. some of it is just laziness on my part. i imagine myself doing more if i didn't work so much, but then i have to wonder- would i just be sitting on the couch all day squandering the time i set aside for my kids? i would like my kids to be more involved in extracurricular activities like many of their friends ( and relatives); i just don't want to compete with the supermoms. they just piss me off. most overacheivers piss me off. is it jealousy? hell yes. i lack the discipline. sue me. i just don't see the point. maybe that's why i live paycheck to paycheck and hate my life most days... food for thought. thinking isn't really my strong suit at the moment however as i have been up since 5am for day2 of inventory at my store and it is now nearly 1 am. i will never learn. now tomorrow morning i will be rushing around at 7 am, half asleep trying to get lunches and snacks for school squared away instead of doing it tonight and getting to bed at a reasonable hour. dumb ass...