tori was phenominal! we were so close! it was the best concert ever! it was like she was playing my under the pink faves just for me! but that was weeks ago... i haven't felt the need to update this page in a while. i was getting tired of the i'll read your blog, so you'll read mine and see that i've insulted you in it routine. i'm just getting used to the fact that there are quite a few people that don' t like me. i could continue to rack my brains to try and figure out why they don't like me and what i could do to change that, but frankly none of them seem to be worth the time anymore. people can call me callous, insensitive, whatever. i don't care anymore. i have to get my shit together. people that try to judge me and thereby hold me back can go fuck themselves. i'm evolving, and i don't have time for those that don't support me. i've been in a depression for so long, i was starting to believe that everything that was wrong in the world was my fault. no more. that being said, i almost died the other day. well, i had my first real car accident. i spun off the QEW on the way to see margaret cho at the university of toronto. it was horrifying. jason and kristin seemed to take it pretty well, as they have been in these situations before apparently. my car was resting in a ditch facing traffic, i thought my car was broken forever and that we'd never get to TO, and the two of them spent most of the time trying to make me feel better. through jason's resourcefulness via cellphone to AAA canada to canadian tire, we were back on the road in an hour. things just always seem to work that way for him it seems. i might start to believe his positive encouragement at this rate. of course, god or fate or whatever still proved to have it out for me, as we continued on the single most irritating and dangerous road trip i have ever experienced. we were only slightly late, and despite all the trauma in getting there, margaret did not disappoint. she was funny as hell. it's always interesting to see the mix of asian and gay audience at her concerts. she seems to be taking on the mantle of self proclaimed revolution leader. normally i'm leary of celebs using their clout to sway the public opinion, but i'm in. i love everything that come out of her mouth. if she decides to start the cult of cho, sign me up first. i want a membership. rylee just turned five this week. they are all getting so big. i can't stand it. there's all kinds of stuff going on in my life right now, but i don't care to mention it. i'll save it for therapy on tuesday. yeah! more later...

vacation! vacation! vacation! no work for a week! i can hardly stand the joy. sierra just turned seven this week, and lost her first tooth. next week is tori! all is right with the world...well almost.but that's another story...

my horoscope for this week according to the artvoice...Use it or lose it" has long been a key dogma in the theory of evolution. Biologists have believed that if a species accidentally develops a certain new characteristic but then fails to incorporate it as a vital feature, it's gone forever. Recently, however, researchers have begun to question this tenet. They've found evidence that the "walking stick" insects known as phasmids have, over the last 300 million years, lost their wings because of disuse but then re-evolved them. I bring this up in the hope that it will encourage you, Cancerian, to recognize an equally improbable scenario in your own life: The omens say you're about to get a second chance to capitalize on an advantage you allowed to atrophy in the past. interesting. this train of thought was passing through my brain just yesterday. i feel like my pendulum is swinging so hard that i'm about to break. or have a breakthrough. i'm trying to redefine what is me and what is the accumulation of years of self-repression. in my healthier moments i feel that my goal is to incorporate my newfound resolve toward things positive and forwardly propelling. in other moments i'm just a fucking bitch. i need to not fall apart anymore. i need to work, even if painfully slowly, toward moving at a more aggressive pace. i like talking to steve at work. he is also an artist looking for a venue, and he always seems to be doing something to further himself along the path. he's even asked me for an opportunity to share what a know a.k.a figure drawing pointers, etc. he isn't bogged down with the self absorbed torture of so many people that call themselves artists. and he doesn't subscribe to the cut and paste digital version of art either. i think we share the idea that it is a craft and one that is made to be enjoyed. if you can sell some of it- all the better. i need people like that around me when i'm feeling creative. gets the mind set in the right place. on a side note. i can't say that i've set out consciously to create anything or that i have been blocked. i think i've just had too much on my plate these past months. i do want to hang out with steve. i definitely want to paint with jason, when he is feeling better. he has been sick for a few days. there are so many colds and viruses going around. he's is also trying to work two jobs and go to school full time. that's just wearing him down. i hope things even out and his art doesn't suffer. speaking of art, i need to hang my paintings. half of the apartment is still in boxes. lots of stuff- little space. you really begin to question what is necessary when you have nowhere to go with it. i threw out so much perfectly good stuff at the old place. i just didn't have the time, the room, or the energy left to move it all or dispose of it properly. so many times i've turned my life completely over and tossed away the evidence of what came before. at least i'm learning from it. it isn't just all wasted. if i can start channeling it into my art... i'd be good to go. i was speaking before of inspirational people... a few months ago margo contacted me about a creative project she was working on. i was very excited to hear from her, looked forward to getting into some rhythm of communication again, when she bailed. she said it had to do with her marriage, and our past being an uncomfortable subject. i think sometimes if i weren't genetically predisposed to be gay, i'd opt for it anyway. i love women. i respect them much more than men, really. i just don't understand them. i don't claim to understand the average man, mind you. i just find that with women i find myself often scratching my head, oblivious to what is going wrong or how whatever it is is my fault. i'm really good at blaming myself for things. you would think i'd be good at spotting the mistakes. oh well. can't win them all... and i'm not going to try anymore. dan came up to lockport the week i moved. we hung out for a night. it's always nice. i don't think there is anyone that i'd be more comfortable with than dan. our lives are so far apart, but it's just such a good fit. you can't argue with a formula that has stood the test of twenty odd years. listen to me. i'm all nostalgic. sniff oh speaking of men and women and never the twain shall meet... i finally found out that my brother is gay. yes, i knew this, have so for years. i just finally got proof this week. now i have to go see for myself. i think having him back in my life on some level is needed. especially if we have that much more in common. apparently his boyfriend has been a good influence in his life. freedom is a valuable necessity in life. i'm finally finding that out.

i'm slowly coming apart. i am hyper- sensitive, moody, and all around no fun lately. i have to relax. things are so stressful, but i have to focus on the good or i'm going to explode. i really miss my kids. i haven't seen them very much lately, and it's taking it's toll. a few random thoughts... adam corolla and howard stern need to be strapped together at the balls and slowly fed into a den of tigers... do i find them offensive? not neccessarily- i just can't stand people with no talent taking up so much air time. men are strange creatures. i hate that we forgive men as a whole for acting out like complete and utter pigs. on the other hand there is the flip side of that coin. men who strain so hard to be not men, that their overt femininty is unnerving. some gay men use their flamboyancy like an early morning radio shock-jockey. all i want is balance. i think i'm finding it. in many ways i'm glad i found jason. we tend to cross the lines in tandem, so i feel more comfortable exploring both options. i find it strange that i haven't painted since jase came along. maybe i'm intimidated? maybe i've just been to damn busy. i have to set aside some time soon. one thing at a time...

so much has happened over the past month or so, i don't know where to begin. in a few days jason and i are moving in to a new apartment in the cheektowaga area. i have been packing for a weeks, and i swear i'll never be done by thursday. i have wanted to sit down and update this site for over a month, but never seem to have the time. time and money are commodities i don't have in great supply these days. oh, well. despite everything, sierra keeps telling me i look happy, so that has to say something. dan is coming up this week. i'm sure i'll feel even more inspired after i hang out with him. i usually do. more later...

okay. so much has changed... i was just watching a bunch of madonna videos with jason, marveling about how many metamorphoses madonna has gone through, and i felt very inspired. i feel at times that i am in the process of my own life change, and i'm becoming an amalgam of all those pieces of myself that have been scattered over the past. what? well, jennifer and the kids moved out, last saturday. life came crashing down all around finally. i'll figure it out. i miss the kids. i feel adrift most of the time, and excited about what is to come on occasion. i really just wanted to update the site, and get madonna's pic up there. isn't she fierce looking? more later...

hey, everyboby that knows me... check this one out... it's a good read. this is an example of the demented state of mind my soon to be ex-wife is in these days. you'll especially enjoy this if you are one of the people that have been over to my house to see what state the house is usually left in when i'm not here:
Is everyone done feeling ill after eating all that food? HEHE I had a great dinner! All the food was fantastic! Our turkey caome out so moist, it was heaven! Mark was going to take the kids to see Harry Potter after we got home yesterday but they didn't deposit his check until today. Usually it's in there the night before a holiday but not this time. Needless to say I had 3 very upset children to deal with yesterday. I was going to have a few hours to myself last night so I wasn't very happy myself. More bitching coming so be fore warned!

Mark is just driving me crazy lately! He is being moody and miserable then taking it out on me. Like these things are my fault. He was yelling at the kids yesterday after he found out his check wasn't deposited. WTF?!? Yes the kids have control over the corporation he works for. so lets make them cry so he can feel better! What an ass he is being! I was going to start moving my stuff out today but it is hailing! And it is sooooo cold out there. I have got to get out of here! I am so tired of Mark living in his own little world. We are ending our marriage but he still lives in this house with us and the children are still his! Maybe he should participate a little more! I am not the fucking maid! Granted I have let things slide quite a bit lately but I am dealing with alot of different issues myself. He doesn't see that though. I'm the one who's life is completely changing. He gets to gout and date and have a good time whenever he wants. I still get to do all the things I did before plus try and find time for myself w/o the children. For some reason I have a feeling he won't be seeing the kids much because he will be more concerned with making himself happy. And I'm not going to be able to count on child support either. I know his financial situation. So I get to go get a job on top of trying to raise 3 kids and take care my house. Sounds like fun right? Plus I get to do it all with little to no help. I get to pack by myself and I get to move by myself. Have I whined enough yet? LOL I'll stop for now but I'm still annoyed! :) Everyone have a great day! The one thing that brightens my day is knowing that Mark is at work (retail) and i bet he is having a sucky day! MUHAHAHAHA

my memory is gradually returning to me. i'm beginning to recollect what it is like to live a life. so much is up in the air, and yet at times lately i feel like everything is exactly as it is supposed to be- the way it should have been all along. the road to reclaiming myself and succeeding is a way off, and yet closer than it has been in years. weekends like this one bring me that much closer to my goal. it isn't actually a goal, but a state of mind-a happy, content state of mind. i was reminded this weekend of how much i've been missing out on, and that i just need to stop missing out on life period. anyway, friday we drove up to toronto a few hours early in an attempt to meet tori amos before the concert. we were outside in the freezing cold rain for hours before they moved us inside for the meet and greet. the crowd was a bit much for me so i just kind of hung back and let jason take the lead to the front of the line. he just walked right up front, and after a short tussle with some rabid fans about getting there before them, was the first to meet her. she autographed his cd, talked for a bit, and wrote down his song request on her hand. she only spoke to a handful of people. that night, the concert was phenomenal. she played for two and a half hours. she doesn't always play requests, and she rarely plays his particular song . then during the roadside cafe portion of the show, where she sends her accompanists off to play solo, she played the song. watching the expression on jason's face as it dawned on him that it was his song is a moment i won't soon forget. it took him four more songs to compose himself. all the little annoyances, the waiting, the rushing to stand still, that we did all day, was well worth that few minutes. i had forgotten how much i love tori. her music has carried me through some very low points in my life and has been there is the background of some of my most creative. this weekend has been one of so many pieces of a puzzle that just fits. the only part that sucked was that it took me away from the kids. that part is getting harder to handle. it isn't as though i've found this new life, and it doesn't involve my kids. i'm just having a hard time adjusting to the fact that i am not always around. i can't quite get my head around it. i'm having difficulty letting go. on the other hand, i want the freedom to begin just as badly as jennifer does. i just have to take it all one step at a time. i still feel like i'm wrong for wanting to be free. my obligations as a father outweigh my personal choices, but they too will one day have to know to make their own choices regardless of what those around them might think. i feel like i'm being judged in every area of my life, and yet it doesn't matter anymore. i enjoy the time i spend with my kids. i'm enjoying the time getting reacquainted with myself. anyone that tries to keep me down at this point can go screw. i'm trying not to get too far into yet another codependent relationship, and yet there are times lately in the presence of a certain person, that i feel like i can do anything. it isn't superficial bullshit. it isn't a parasitic thing either. i just happen to see things with a different set of eyes, and that helps put mine into focus. why am i explaining this? i don't care what anyone thinks, remember? right...