my memory is gradually returning to me. i'm beginning to recollect what it is like to live a life. so much is up in the air, and yet at times lately i feel like everything is exactly as it is supposed to be- the way it should have been all along. the road to reclaiming myself and succeeding is a way off, and yet closer than it has been in years. weekends like this one bring me that much closer to my goal. it isn't actually a goal, but a state of mind-a happy, content state of mind. i was reminded this weekend of how much i've been missing out on, and that i just need to stop missing out on life period. anyway, friday we drove up to toronto a few hours early in an attempt to meet tori amos before the concert. we were outside in the freezing cold rain for hours before they moved us inside for the meet and greet. the crowd was a bit much for me so i just kind of hung back and let jason take the lead to the front of the line. he just walked right up front, and after a short tussle with some rabid fans about getting there before them, was the first to meet her. she autographed his cd, talked for a bit, and wrote down his song request on her hand. she only spoke to a handful of people. that night, the concert was phenomenal. she played for two and a half hours. she doesn't always play requests, and she rarely plays his particular song . then during the roadside cafe portion of the show, where she sends her accompanists off to play solo, she played the song. watching the expression on jason's face as it dawned on him that it was his song is a moment i won't soon forget. it took him four more songs to compose himself. all the little annoyances, the waiting, the rushing to stand still, that we did all day, was well worth that few minutes. i had forgotten how much i love tori. her music has carried me through some very low points in my life and has been there is the background of some of my most creative. this weekend has been one of so many pieces of a puzzle that just fits. the only part that sucked was that it took me away from the kids. that part is getting harder to handle. it isn't as though i've found this new life, and it doesn't involve my kids. i'm just having a hard time adjusting to the fact that i am not always around. i can't quite get my head around it. i'm having difficulty letting go. on the other hand, i want the freedom to begin just as badly as jennifer does. i just have to take it all one step at a time. i still feel like i'm wrong for wanting to be free. my obligations as a father outweigh my personal choices, but they too will one day have to know to make their own choices regardless of what those around them might think. i feel like i'm being judged in every area of my life, and yet it doesn't matter anymore. i enjoy the time i spend with my kids. i'm enjoying the time getting reacquainted with myself. anyone that tries to keep me down at this point can go screw. i'm trying not to get too far into yet another codependent relationship, and yet there are times lately in the presence of a certain person, that i feel like i can do anything. it isn't superficial bullshit. it isn't a parasitic thing either. i just happen to see things with a different set of eyes, and that helps put mine into focus. why am i explaining this? i don't care what anyone thinks, remember? right...