I've had so many lives
Since I was a child
And I realise
How many times I've died

I'm not that kind of guy
Sometimes I feel shy
I think I can fly
Closer to the sky

No one's telling you how to live your life
But it's a setup until you're fed up

This world is not so kind
People trap your mind
It's so hard to find
Someone to admire

I, I sleep much better at night
I feel closer to the light
Now I'm gonna try
To improve my life

No one's telling you how to live your life
But it's a setup until you're fed up
It's no good when you're misunderstood
But why should I care
What the world thinks of me
Won't let a stranger
Give me a social disease

Nobody, nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like you know me

Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like you know me

No one's telling you how to live my life
But it's a setup, and I'm just fed up
It's no good when you're misunderstood
But why should I care
What the world thinks of me
Won't let a stranger
Give me a social disease

I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
I don't waste my time
Won't read a magazine

I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
I don't waste my time
Won't read a magazine

I, I sleep much better at night
I feel closer to the light
Now I'm gonna try
To improve my life

Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like you know me

*Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like, like you know me
Like you know me
Like you know me
Like you know me
Like you know me

*(Its no fun but the damage is done
Don't want your social disease
Don't want your social disease)

**Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Like you know me

Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me
Don't want your social disease

**(I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
I don't waste my time
Won't read a magazine
I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
Won't read a magazine)

nobody knows me- madonna- american life

this is what random searches will get you...
I was as skeptical as any sane person would be that morning, fourteen years ago, when I loaded Rodney, my cat, into his carrier to take him down to the holistic veterinary clinic where a psychic was seeing animals
that is the funniest thing i never intended to read in my life. all i did was type my boyfriend is a ninny into google, and viola!
pride was fun yesterday. thinking about it makes me almost forget how crappy today was. please say that i don't have to go back to that hell hole tomorrow... must remember not to procrastinate any longer and find that new job. feeling clever, creative and tired. guess it will all come out in dreams. speaking of coming out...pride was fun yesterday. i especially loved taunting the jesus freaks. i learned that jesus hates our lifestyle, and that ricky is the gayest boy alive. seeing so many gay people united together was empowering. i then scooted to lockport to visit the family and heard my sister say nine inch nails... i thought i could go through my entire life without ever having heard anyone in my family refer to trent and co. of course we were talking about johnny cash- the original man in black. if anyone thinks i'm a leftover goth for wearing black so often... well, all i can say is i walk the line...

time well spent...
at this very moment, i'm actually alone. i haven't been by myself very often over the past few months. in fact, i can't remember when i was able to string together a few hours of uninterrupted, quiet time for myself. i've always enjoyed be alone. i am the youngest of five kids with a four year gap to the next kid up the line. the oldest and i share a twelve year span. when it comes to my family, i have always felt like an only child. my brother and i shared a room for fifteen years, but i don't think that counts for much in terms of a feeling of togetherness. he had his thing and i had mine, and they very rarely mixed. in that light, i grew up a lonely little boy. i'm not sure how true that actually is, but it certainly feels true enough. i'm not sure if my loner- mentality was thrust upon me, or if i accepted it willingly later on. i've always tried to figure my way around life without help. i prefer it that way. if i make a mistake, no one can blame me but me. it's been murder on the brain and nerves trying to figure out the entire universe for myself. people have come and gone, trying to help along the way, but in the end i have the final word. i create my own destiny. however, this roadmap to life that i have created for myself, after millions of constant revisions, appears to be flawed. in fact, it appears to be not working at all. i am now and have been forever stuck in the mode of thinking about every single thing that i do on a daily basis, and trying to discern how it relates to life, the universe and everything else. each idle moment of my day is spent analyzing a past moment, be it a conversation from a minute ago to an altercation with a bully from the second grade. i just can't stop thinking- about everything. i believe i can safely say that i have spent a large portion of the past ten years locked in a constant loop of self-torture about the ten years of my life before that. i can no longer see forward at all, let alone stay in this moment. so how much time alone is too much time alone? since separating from my wife, eight months or so ago, i have been on a constant schedule of work, kids, and boyfriend. this is what i wanted. this is what i dreamt of secretly- and not so secretly- for the last few years. i was going to come out, hang out with my kids, and find a special someone to have a good time with. my criteria for that special someone was an almost impossible wish list of character traits and common interests that could never be fulfilled, so that would free up my spare time. i would be able to spend the hours of my newly found freedom however i saw fit. as fate always has it with me, i got what i apparently needed- not necessarily what i wanted. i found a guy that immediately got under my skin- good and bad. the bad, i have found out over the past months is mostly not there. it's the sight that straining to study my defunct life roadmap has left me with that makes it look bad. i keep trying to come at this thing with old reactions and motivations, and they just don't stick. as much as i have railed against this relationship, i realize that it's just an attempt to not be happy. i have spent so much time in regret, trying not to be happy. i can't do it anymore. i need to lose the map, and just take a walk. i'm going to see a new therapist today. i have delved so deeply into self- help at this point that i have become immune to it's new age, pearls of wisdom, bullshit charms. i need someone to just smack me upside the head and say "would you just fucking relax, already?” i have a good feeling about this one. in the moments that my mind isn't messing this up- i have a good feeling about a lot of things these days. what it comes down to is this- i have been alone for an hour now. i miss my kids; i miss jason, and really don't care about work. time well spent, i'd say...

in a matter of few hours i will be back in the bowels of retail hell. the vacation is over. i had my kids the whole week last week. we had a spectacular time. spectacular, spectacular. no words in the vernacular... we went to the zoo one day, and thanks to jc we all decorated ceramic pieces at this great little shop in williamsville that she turned us onto. they fire the pieces and i pick them up on thurs. it was a good time. in between that it was movies and shopping... oh and of course, egg coloring. it was apparently the first time jason ever colored easter eggs. i think he's had quite a few firsts since he's had kids. they love him. alura made him a card and sierra made one for the two of us together. i just wonder how much i'm keeping from them. yesterday and the day before we spent time with jason's family. it was interesting to say the least. he and his sister and i played putt-putt. maybe i'll take the kids next time. that was fun... all day long i kept thinking...i'm really too old for this shit. maybe i am. oh well. now it's back to mikehell's. i so do not want to go back. ah well, it's a process. i'll change it soon enough.

the last two days have been eventful to say the least. it seems like it's feast or famine with the social events calendar. we've sat around here for so long under sheets of ice and layers of cruddy, brown snow, it's about time things began to pick up a bit. wednesday night jason's sis, kristin, came over. i love her. she is so god damn funny. we had a pretty good time and watched a movie that i can't wait to show the kids. thursday was jason's senoir thesis show. or should i say j-son. it was a riot. jessica played the part of his agent, gayle kitchman. heather was his personal assistant. i was his body guard, and some guy from that mtv frat life show was our camera man. i can't wait to see the video. people were really getting into the autograph signing, et all. we paraded around the cfa for a bit before the show in entourage formation. it was a killer. he stole the show in my opinion. i really wanted to go back to school just then. not so much for the fun of it, but from what i saw of most of the installations. a few of them were interesting, but mostly they were crap. there was one at the downtown gallery that i thought was great. this girl took disposable cameras and mailed them with instructions to everyone who had her first inital and last name all over the u.s. to send back pics and bios, etc. she only got a dozen or so responses out of many, but it was really well done. the pictures that came back were fascinating,etc. then last night we went to see jc and allie in a chorus line. it was fun. they are both such starlets i can't stand it. each of their performances were a riot. and the girl that did the tits and ass song was a hoot. then we went out and ended up at the place i swore i would never go to again, that crap hole marcellas. kept running into chris boos and that guy from the middleport drive in/noco all night. then i ran into tammy that used to work in our frameshop at the store. it was all bigs smiles and who gives a fuck all night. at least jason and i had fun. i really enjoy hanging out with shawn now too, despite what jason might think. tonight the kids are coming over and spending the week with me as we are all on vacation! i'm really psyched. i miss them so much. we are going to have a blast. it's been like a week- i swear. i've got to come up with a better way soon. more later...

it's early am. we have to finish donnie darko tomorrow. it is by far the the creepiest movie i've seen in a long long time...

tori was phenominal! we were so close! it was the best concert ever! it was like she was playing my under the pink faves just for me! but that was weeks ago... i haven't felt the need to update this page in a while. i was getting tired of the i'll read your blog, so you'll read mine and see that i've insulted you in it routine. i'm just getting used to the fact that there are quite a few people that don' t like me. i could continue to rack my brains to try and figure out why they don't like me and what i could do to change that, but frankly none of them seem to be worth the time anymore. people can call me callous, insensitive, whatever. i don't care anymore. i have to get my shit together. people that try to judge me and thereby hold me back can go fuck themselves. i'm evolving, and i don't have time for those that don't support me. i've been in a depression for so long, i was starting to believe that everything that was wrong in the world was my fault. no more. that being said, i almost died the other day. well, i had my first real car accident. i spun off the QEW on the way to see margaret cho at the university of toronto. it was horrifying. jason and kristin seemed to take it pretty well, as they have been in these situations before apparently. my car was resting in a ditch facing traffic, i thought my car was broken forever and that we'd never get to TO, and the two of them spent most of the time trying to make me feel better. through jason's resourcefulness via cellphone to AAA canada to canadian tire, we were back on the road in an hour. things just always seem to work that way for him it seems. i might start to believe his positive encouragement at this rate. of course, god or fate or whatever still proved to have it out for me, as we continued on the single most irritating and dangerous road trip i have ever experienced. we were only slightly late, and despite all the trauma in getting there, margaret did not disappoint. she was funny as hell. it's always interesting to see the mix of asian and gay audience at her concerts. she seems to be taking on the mantle of self proclaimed revolution leader. normally i'm leary of celebs using their clout to sway the public opinion, but i'm in. i love everything that come out of her mouth. if she decides to start the cult of cho, sign me up first. i want a membership. rylee just turned five this week. they are all getting so big. i can't stand it. there's all kinds of stuff going on in my life right now, but i don't care to mention it. i'll save it for therapy on tuesday. yeah! more later...

vacation! vacation! vacation! no work for a week! i can hardly stand the joy. sierra just turned seven this week, and lost her first tooth. next week is tori! all is right with the world...well almost.but that's another story...