time well spent...
at this very moment, i'm actually alone. i haven't been by myself very often over the past few months. in fact, i can't remember when i was able to string together a few hours of uninterrupted, quiet time for myself. i've always enjoyed be alone. i am the youngest of five kids with a four year gap to the next kid up the line. the oldest and i share a twelve year span. when it comes to my family, i have always felt like an only child. my brother and i shared a room for fifteen years, but i don't think that counts for much in terms of a feeling of togetherness. he had his thing and i had mine, and they very rarely mixed. in that light, i grew up a lonely little boy. i'm not sure how true that actually is, but it certainly feels true enough. i'm not sure if my loner- mentality was thrust upon me, or if i accepted it willingly later on. i've always tried to figure my way around life without help. i prefer it that way. if i make a mistake, no one can blame me but me. it's been murder on the brain and nerves trying to figure out the entire universe for myself. people have come and gone, trying to help along the way, but in the end i have the final word. i create my own destiny. however, this roadmap to life that i have created for myself, after millions of constant revisions, appears to be flawed. in fact, it appears to be not working at all. i am now and have been forever stuck in the mode of thinking about every single thing that i do on a daily basis, and trying to discern how it relates to life, the universe and everything else. each idle moment of my day is spent analyzing a past moment, be it a conversation from a minute ago to an altercation with a bully from the second grade. i just can't stop thinking- about everything. i believe i can safely say that i have spent a large portion of the past ten years locked in a constant loop of self-torture about the ten years of my life before that. i can no longer see forward at all, let alone stay in this moment. so how much time alone is too much time alone? since separating from my wife, eight months or so ago, i have been on a constant schedule of work, kids, and boyfriend. this is what i wanted. this is what i dreamt of secretly- and not so secretly- for the last few years. i was going to come out, hang out with my kids, and find a special someone to have a good time with. my criteria for that special someone was an almost impossible wish list of character traits and common interests that could never be fulfilled, so that would free up my spare time. i would be able to spend the hours of my newly found freedom however i saw fit. as fate always has it with me, i got what i apparently needed- not necessarily what i wanted. i found a guy that immediately got under my skin- good and bad. the bad, i have found out over the past months is mostly not there. it's the sight that straining to study my defunct life roadmap has left me with that makes it look bad. i keep trying to come at this thing with old reactions and motivations, and they just don't stick. as much as i have railed against this relationship, i realize that it's just an attempt to not be happy. i have spent so much time in regret, trying not to be happy. i can't do it anymore. i need to lose the map, and just take a walk. i'm going to see a new therapist today. i have delved so deeply into self- help at this point that i have become immune to it's new age, pearls of wisdom, bullshit charms. i need someone to just smack me upside the head and say "would you just fucking relax, already?” i have a good feeling about this one. in the moments that my mind isn't messing this up- i have a good feeling about a lot of things these days. what it comes down to is this- i have been alone for an hour now. i miss my kids; i miss jason, and really don't care about work. time well spent, i'd say...