my horoscope for this week according to the artvoice...Use it or lose it" has long been a key dogma in the theory of evolution. Biologists have believed that if a species accidentally develops a certain new characteristic but then fails to incorporate it as a vital feature, it's gone forever. Recently, however, researchers have begun to question this tenet. They've found evidence that the "walking stick" insects known as phasmids have, over the last 300 million years, lost their wings because of disuse but then re-evolved them. I bring this up in the hope that it will encourage you, Cancerian, to recognize an equally improbable scenario in your own life: The omens say you're about to get a second chance to capitalize on an advantage you allowed to atrophy in the past. interesting. this train of thought was passing through my brain just yesterday. i feel like my pendulum is swinging so hard that i'm about to break. or have a breakthrough. i'm trying to redefine what is me and what is the accumulation of years of self-repression. in my healthier moments i feel that my goal is to incorporate my newfound resolve toward things positive and forwardly propelling. in other moments i'm just a fucking bitch. i need to not fall apart anymore. i need to work, even if painfully slowly, toward moving at a more aggressive pace. i like talking to steve at work. he is also an artist looking for a venue, and he always seems to be doing something to further himself along the path. he's even asked me for an opportunity to share what a know a.k.a figure drawing pointers, etc. he isn't bogged down with the self absorbed torture of so many people that call themselves artists. and he doesn't subscribe to the cut and paste digital version of art either. i think we share the idea that it is a craft and one that is made to be enjoyed. if you can sell some of it- all the better. i need people like that around me when i'm feeling creative. gets the mind set in the right place. on a side note. i can't say that i've set out consciously to create anything or that i have been blocked. i think i've just had too much on my plate these past months. i do want to hang out with steve. i definitely want to paint with jason, when he is feeling better. he has been sick for a few days. there are so many colds and viruses going around. he's is also trying to work two jobs and go to school full time. that's just wearing him down. i hope things even out and his art doesn't suffer. speaking of art, i need to hang my paintings. half of the apartment is still in boxes. lots of stuff- little space. you really begin to question what is necessary when you have nowhere to go with it. i threw out so much perfectly good stuff at the old place. i just didn't have the time, the room, or the energy left to move it all or dispose of it properly. so many times i've turned my life completely over and tossed away the evidence of what came before. at least i'm learning from it. it isn't just all wasted. if i can start channeling it into my art... i'd be good to go. i was speaking before of inspirational people... a few months ago margo contacted me about a creative project she was working on. i was very excited to hear from her, looked forward to getting into some rhythm of communication again, when she bailed. she said it had to do with her marriage, and our past being an uncomfortable subject. i think sometimes if i weren't genetically predisposed to be gay, i'd opt for it anyway. i love women. i respect them much more than men, really. i just don't understand them. i don't claim to understand the average man, mind you. i just find that with women i find myself often scratching my head, oblivious to what is going wrong or how whatever it is is my fault. i'm really good at blaming myself for things. you would think i'd be good at spotting the mistakes. oh well. can't win them all... and i'm not going to try anymore. dan came up to lockport the week i moved. we hung out for a night. it's always nice. i don't think there is anyone that i'd be more comfortable with than dan. our lives are so far apart, but it's just such a good fit. you can't argue with a formula that has stood the test of twenty odd years. listen to me. i'm all nostalgic. sniff oh speaking of men and women and never the twain shall meet... i finally found out that my brother is gay. yes, i knew this, have so for years. i just finally got proof this week. now i have to go see for myself. i think having him back in my life on some level is needed. especially if we have that much more in common. apparently his boyfriend has been a good influence in his life. freedom is a valuable necessity in life. i'm finally finding that out.

i'm slowly coming apart. i am hyper- sensitive, moody, and all around no fun lately. i have to relax. things are so stressful, but i have to focus on the good or i'm going to explode. i really miss my kids. i haven't seen them very much lately, and it's taking it's toll. a few random thoughts... adam corolla and howard stern need to be strapped together at the balls and slowly fed into a den of tigers... do i find them offensive? not neccessarily- i just can't stand people with no talent taking up so much air time. men are strange creatures. i hate that we forgive men as a whole for acting out like complete and utter pigs. on the other hand there is the flip side of that coin. men who strain so hard to be not men, that their overt femininty is unnerving. some gay men use their flamboyancy like an early morning radio shock-jockey. all i want is balance. i think i'm finding it. in many ways i'm glad i found jason. we tend to cross the lines in tandem, so i feel more comfortable exploring both options. i find it strange that i haven't painted since jase came along. maybe i'm intimidated? maybe i've just been to damn busy. i have to set aside some time soon. one thing at a time...

so much has happened over the past month or so, i don't know where to begin. in a few days jason and i are moving in to a new apartment in the cheektowaga area. i have been packing for a weeks, and i swear i'll never be done by thursday. i have wanted to sit down and update this site for over a month, but never seem to have the time. time and money are commodities i don't have in great supply these days. oh, well. despite everything, sierra keeps telling me i look happy, so that has to say something. dan is coming up this week. i'm sure i'll feel even more inspired after i hang out with him. i usually do. more later...

okay. so much has changed... i was just watching a bunch of madonna videos with jason, marveling about how many metamorphoses madonna has gone through, and i felt very inspired. i feel at times that i am in the process of my own life change, and i'm becoming an amalgam of all those pieces of myself that have been scattered over the past. what? well, jennifer and the kids moved out, last saturday. life came crashing down all around finally. i'll figure it out. i miss the kids. i feel adrift most of the time, and excited about what is to come on occasion. i really just wanted to update the site, and get madonna's pic up there. isn't she fierce looking? more later...

hey, everyboby that knows me... check this one out... it's a good read. this is an example of the demented state of mind my soon to be ex-wife is in these days. you'll especially enjoy this if you are one of the people that have been over to my house to see what state the house is usually left in when i'm not here:
Is everyone done feeling ill after eating all that food? HEHE I had a great dinner! All the food was fantastic! Our turkey caome out so moist, it was heaven! Mark was going to take the kids to see Harry Potter after we got home yesterday but they didn't deposit his check until today. Usually it's in there the night before a holiday but not this time. Needless to say I had 3 very upset children to deal with yesterday. I was going to have a few hours to myself last night so I wasn't very happy myself. More bitching coming so be fore warned!

Mark is just driving me crazy lately! He is being moody and miserable then taking it out on me. Like these things are my fault. He was yelling at the kids yesterday after he found out his check wasn't deposited. WTF?!? Yes the kids have control over the corporation he works for. so lets make them cry so he can feel better! What an ass he is being! I was going to start moving my stuff out today but it is hailing! And it is sooooo cold out there. I have got to get out of here! I am so tired of Mark living in his own little world. We are ending our marriage but he still lives in this house with us and the children are still his! Maybe he should participate a little more! I am not the fucking maid! Granted I have let things slide quite a bit lately but I am dealing with alot of different issues myself. He doesn't see that though. I'm the one who's life is completely changing. He gets to gout and date and have a good time whenever he wants. I still get to do all the things I did before plus try and find time for myself w/o the children. For some reason I have a feeling he won't be seeing the kids much because he will be more concerned with making himself happy. And I'm not going to be able to count on child support either. I know his financial situation. So I get to go get a job on top of trying to raise 3 kids and take care my house. Sounds like fun right? Plus I get to do it all with little to no help. I get to pack by myself and I get to move by myself. Have I whined enough yet? LOL I'll stop for now but I'm still annoyed! :) Everyone have a great day! The one thing that brightens my day is knowing that Mark is at work (retail) and i bet he is having a sucky day! MUHAHAHAHA

my memory is gradually returning to me. i'm beginning to recollect what it is like to live a life. so much is up in the air, and yet at times lately i feel like everything is exactly as it is supposed to be- the way it should have been all along. the road to reclaiming myself and succeeding is a way off, and yet closer than it has been in years. weekends like this one bring me that much closer to my goal. it isn't actually a goal, but a state of mind-a happy, content state of mind. i was reminded this weekend of how much i've been missing out on, and that i just need to stop missing out on life period. anyway, friday we drove up to toronto a few hours early in an attempt to meet tori amos before the concert. we were outside in the freezing cold rain for hours before they moved us inside for the meet and greet. the crowd was a bit much for me so i just kind of hung back and let jason take the lead to the front of the line. he just walked right up front, and after a short tussle with some rabid fans about getting there before them, was the first to meet her. she autographed his cd, talked for a bit, and wrote down his song request on her hand. she only spoke to a handful of people. that night, the concert was phenomenal. she played for two and a half hours. she doesn't always play requests, and she rarely plays his particular song . then during the roadside cafe portion of the show, where she sends her accompanists off to play solo, she played the song. watching the expression on jason's face as it dawned on him that it was his song is a moment i won't soon forget. it took him four more songs to compose himself. all the little annoyances, the waiting, the rushing to stand still, that we did all day, was well worth that few minutes. i had forgotten how much i love tori. her music has carried me through some very low points in my life and has been there is the background of some of my most creative. this weekend has been one of so many pieces of a puzzle that just fits. the only part that sucked was that it took me away from the kids. that part is getting harder to handle. it isn't as though i've found this new life, and it doesn't involve my kids. i'm just having a hard time adjusting to the fact that i am not always around. i can't quite get my head around it. i'm having difficulty letting go. on the other hand, i want the freedom to begin just as badly as jennifer does. i just have to take it all one step at a time. i still feel like i'm wrong for wanting to be free. my obligations as a father outweigh my personal choices, but they too will one day have to know to make their own choices regardless of what those around them might think. i feel like i'm being judged in every area of my life, and yet it doesn't matter anymore. i enjoy the time i spend with my kids. i'm enjoying the time getting reacquainted with myself. anyone that tries to keep me down at this point can go screw. i'm trying not to get too far into yet another codependent relationship, and yet there are times lately in the presence of a certain person, that i feel like i can do anything. it isn't superficial bullshit. it isn't a parasitic thing either. i just happen to see things with a different set of eyes, and that helps put mine into focus. why am i explaining this? i don't care what anyone thinks, remember? right...

it's a beautiful thing when your kids finally get the whole charlie brown holiday special thing. rylee was cracking up when snoopy takes on the lawn chair & preparing the thanksgiving feast of popcorn and toast. then of course it is immediately followed by some cheesy, watered-down winnie the pooh disney crap. i'd give thanks if someone stuck a hot poker in my eye so i didn't have to suffer through it. sometime i'll explain my apocalyptic theory behind today's children's programming and the fall of western civilization as we know it. while watching the former, there was yet another commercial for yet another elmo toy of the xmas season... elmo is my point in a nutshell. jason and i were having an in depth discussion yesterday about the sudden passing of grover on the sesame street scene, and the coincidental emergence of elmo. i suspect foul play... that high pitched voice, the evil red color- he's too cute not to be the devil. he's wooed our children, and he must be stopped. down with elmo, and disney for that matter... i suspect the fbi will be pounding on my door any minute. say you don't like disney in this country, and people look at you in horror, like they're about to report your communist activities to mccarthy himself. enough of my banter. i'm opinionated, yes, but i'm only human. i have the right to make mistakes and laugh at myself. grover taught me that. i miss you grover wherever you are... the fly in the soup, the black market sale of a letter "m" from a pusher on the street, and let's not forget the irrepressible super grover. the world hasn't been the same without him...

it's full a moon. that explains so much. my emotional lycanthropy is acting up again. i am a tide- watch me rise. i'm sure i've explained before the lunar lunacy that reeks havoc with my head once a month, but i really don't remember if it's in a previous blog. this long and short- the moon rules me. forget all your new age windham hill listening, incense burning, gregorian chanting bullshit. this one is for real. i can't explain it. you'll just have to take my word for it. those that know me will attest. they'll probably also tell you that i'm just as easily thrown into fits of insanity by the effects of the sun, stars, and air. all i know is, once a lunar cycle, people get weirder and i hate them all more. working in this despicable job, at this time of year, is also sure to heighten anyone's misanthropy to damaging levels. if mother theresa worked one christmas season in retail, she'd have been beating people over the head with a crucifix. that reminds me, dianne said the funniest thing to me that i think i've ever heard. about a week or so ago, i entered the classroom where she and a few other floral designers were plugging away at a mass production of wreaths, and i announced that i had to go home, because i lost my gloves and box cutter. her reply, " well, it looks like your out of the play now, jesus." i thought i was going to piss myself. it has become the catch phrase of the season. hey one more thing on a topical note... if you were going to design a sea worthy vessel that was responsible for carrying millions of gallons of fuel oil, shouldn't you design it with enough structural integrity, so that no matter how fast you were traveling or how hard you rammed it into something that it would under no circumstances BREAK IN FUCKING HALF? thank you and good night...