of course i have the tv on in the background... it serves as background noise as i surf. last weekend i spent the whole two days i had off doing absolutely nothing. as i sat at the computer for nearly the entire sunday, alura finally came to me and asked "daddy, if sitting in front of the tv for hours is a waste of time... isn't sitting in front of the computer the same thing? damn. i hate it when the kids call me on shit. actually, i love it when they do that. it keeps things in perspective for me. this morning sierra asked me why i was wearing another guy's shirt when i came home, and then asked if i like him? i haven't told them a thing, but then i don't think i could really hide anything from them, especially sierra. she is a radar for aberrant behavior. usually, however, it is society that deems it deviant, not me, so i let it slide. what the next generation will view as normal is frightening and exciting all at once. so the tv… nirvana is back with a new album, and it’s the talk of the tube. who cares that the lead singer has been dead for nearly a decade- that never stopped jimi hendrix from putting out umpteen new records. i miss calling them records. album sounds so antiseptic. anyway, the nirvana resurgence has made me nostalgic for my angst ridden pseudo- grunge days. i recalled an earlier journal of mine with an entry pertaining to mr. cobain’s premature demise, and sought it out to read it. after reading that day’s log i realised that you could cut and paste the whole thing into today’s weblog and see little difference between the way i felt about life, the universe, and everything then and now… it could be depressing, but i’m still looking to break the chain. i’m continually frustrated with myself and the choices i’ve made lately, but i have to let it go and move on. i don’t want to fall into the trap of taking myself too seriously again, but i don’t want to take things too lightly either. i feel like i’m slowly regaining my self esteem. i think a bit of it can be attributed to my journey into psycho-analysis, and part of it is the rejuvenating effect certain people have had on me lately. jason has been integral in keeping my head together. no one gets it, but i no longer feel the need to defend myself. people will do what they do, and think what they think. i can’t stop that. i just walk away when they start in on the whole anti jason campaign. i see what they see, and understand and appreciate their concern. all i have to do is read my own long lost thoughts in an old journal to realize the kindred spirit factor at work. without dwelling on the past, it also helps me keep an eye out for signs of trouble, without expecting them to happen. kurt cobain was a genius in a fashion, but he did blow his own face off. on my new path- that is not an option, or a thought to tinker with, so what i’m doing can’t be all that bad…
I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly That's okay 'cause so are you We've broken our mirrors Sunday morning is everyday for all i care And i'm not scared Light my candles in a daze 'Cause i found God Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I'm so lonely, that's okay, i shaved my head And i'm not sad And just maybe i'm to blame for all i've heard But i'm not sure I'm so excited, i can't wait to meet you there And i don't care I'm so horny, that's okay my will is good Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly, but that's okay 'cause so are you We've broken our mirrors Sunday morning is everyday for all i care And i'm not scared Light my candles in a daze 'cause i found god! Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6) Yeah! I like it... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack I like i... i'm not gonna crack I miss you... i'm not gonna crack I love you... i'm not gonna crack I kill you... i'm not gonna crack