it's been a full week. steven and i went to see david sedaris on thursday evening at ub. he was as brilliant as i expected, and my face was numb from laughter by the end of the program. i was so inspired to write when we first left the theater. i was charged and did my best to entertain my fellow fans as we stood in line for the next hour or so waiting to have our books signed. i began to panic when we hit the velvet rope for fear of having nothing brilliant of my own to say to the master of wit. i practiced about six or so possible interactions, and of course when the moment arrived i stood there like stunned fish wide eyed and mouth gaping. what an ass. i suppose the whole thing would have gone off a little differently if the girl behind us hadn't decided to drag a table and chair along with her as a gag to greet him. needless to say, he was too preoccupied with the impending, embarrassing interchange that would follow us to strike up a clever chat. none the less, it was a nice evening. i've enjoyed regaining a slightly more cultural foothold lately. i think it has helped to pull me up out of the ditch my life had become. i'm not throwing away everything that has happened to this point. i love my children, i love jennifer. it was not all for naught, but i abandoned myself in the process of trying to be someone i am not. i feel a sense of empowerment recently to finally be who i truly am. i'm not going to shove what i am down everyone's throat to justify it all to myself, but i'm not hiding anymore. some people at work i've either told outright or gone to greater lengths not to censor myself in front of for fear they will out me. i'm not exactly sure what they will do or what i will do in response, but i think people, for the most part, will see that i am the same person. if that isn't reason enough for them not to like me, the rest is just wasted anyway. over the past month my life has been torn up and set down on a new path. a path i believe i was following about a decade ago, before i was side-tracked. i've already seen where my instincts can hurt people, and where my old behavior can leak out. in some respects i have quite a bit to catch up on. emotionally i'm about fifteen years old on this side of the fence. i have to relearn some behavior, but i have a feeling it will all be okay though. if not, there's always california...