i just couldn't wait another two days to update the site. i had to get tori up here. i'm listening to tori's new cd, scarlet's walk. it's amazing. i feel like i did when under the pink got me through 1994. i can't wait to see her in toronto at the end of the month- thanks to my sugar baby. this is definitely a painting album. if i weren't still exhausted, i might be inspired to create more than a journal entry. the past week has been a farce at work- lots of long hours prepping for inventory, headaches, and the usual post event let down. i hate working in retail. blah blah blah. we've heard this before. it's hard to keep in mind the motivation to escape my current turmoil when i am bogged down in it all the time. i seem to slip into these situations easily and take forever to get out of them. i have to wait until the pain is unbearable, etc. i was in a really fucked up mood all day today. i was being unreasonably bitchy to jason. i was doing it the other day, too. i think i get this need to assert myself, so i don't get lost in the whole what other people want me to be versus me. i have taken my latest criticism from people lightly, but it really pisses me off. i just don't want to take myself or anyone else too seriously. i can't handle more seriousness. i need fluff and sparkle, not doom and gloom. i feel the need for change, but i would really like the end result to be me. i’m so easily swayed sometimes. i have to regain control and keep it that way. what a paradox. i want to have fun and spontaneity, but maintain a structure of progression. i need to evolve into the next phase, not just repeat old ones. at times, lately, things are looking way too much like 1994. the fear of a life undiscovered, blond boys that could tear my heart out, and the happy haze they create. it isn’t fair to rehash and not give fair chances, but i can still smell the blood of that old wound. things are different now, though. i am a different person, and the players just seem similar- they are not what they seem to the black parts of my mind. whatever. in college i had a journal. in that journal i would often end an entry with the same saying. i think it’s appropriate here… these things will all change today, tomorrow, or next week...