i am about 30 hours away from officially turning thirty-five. while most people my age have established families, own a house, and are saving for retirement, i am still trying to figure out a career. i decided to take a vacation from my career by default, and spend some much needed time with my kids. well, they are in high demand in the summertime and now i am alone again ( for a few hours). alura left for arizona on monday, and the way her mother is talking now- she may not be coming back. i can't think about it without going completely numb or sobbing uncontrollably. the (*expletive*) wants me to take my kids when school starts so that she can get a full time job and go back to school. she has to think about their future. ok. she hasn't held a job for more than a month since 1995, but she's going to work full time AND go to school AND support herself and pay child support. she's on the verge of an anxiety attack whenever i talk to her, but somehow she can pull off a life of hard work as long as she doesn't have the kids around to bother her. which, by the way, they haven't been thanks to grandma. if my kids are such a burden- fine. give them to me. oh, why do i let her drive me insane. i'm really beginning to hate women. maybe my mother wasn't so wrong. i'm seeing things through my mother's eyes. you see the insanity? count to ten and... tomorrow is my birthday, i am going to see peter gabriel in concert, and spend a lovely weekend with my kids and the best guy in the world. i really don't hate women- just the ones that assume i'm their keeper. i will get a new job soon, and if i take custody of my kids- so be it. i miss them all the time anyway. i just don't want to see alura living in arizona forever. yes, there is the feeling of resentment against her father, but i do feel that i am her real dad whatever the law says. then again i'd like to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, but the law has another idea about that too. ah, whatever...