Life on the upswing

we've been having a little fun with the hacked eye-toy on the computer. photos and silly movies abound. what is really distressing, however, is seeing how large i've become. i hide it well enough with clothing (although the constant repetition of the three outfits that still fit me is becoming harder to manage.) this is on the long list of things that must change soon. i figure at this point of my life, i might as well start making some of these adjustments instead of continually rehashing the list in my head daily... i'm sick of listening to myself. i've been in the doldrums for a while now. by a while of course i mean six months or so. i'm exhausted. i hate retail. i hate that i have no time or money. i'm tired of never making time for fun- or enjoying fun when it's under my nose. i'm tired of being angry all the time. the deepset furrow of my brow has nearly reached my skull. botox wouldn't clear that sucker up. thank god michelle is back in my life. she tends to slap me in the head and say "wake the fuck up!" at some points she can overshoot the mark and become borderline abusive, but i need strong feedback in my life. i can't really take myself so seriously when she is around. dan emailed me last week too. i love that i will go months without contact with the handful of friends that i have, and then everyone calls or visits on the same day. like my cries out to the universe for a friend are actually being picked up on someone's short wave radio. i also need to update my real life buddy list. fefe keeps yelling at me to call her, but i've always sucked with the phone. i feel like i'm going to intrude on someone to call them. then every monday morning when i see her, hse's like " why didn't you call- i was watching the paint peel again..." i'll never learn. i'm a pain in the ass friend. ah well, maybe if i get out of my head- i'll get out of the house... life has been hectic and difficult with the kids, but i'm sure i can make some more creative decisions to make time for happier things.