it's a beautiful thing when your kids finally get the whole charlie brown holiday special thing. rylee was cracking up when snoopy takes on the lawn chair & preparing the thanksgiving feast of popcorn and toast. then of course it is immediately followed by some cheesy, watered-down winnie the pooh disney crap. i'd give thanks if someone stuck a hot poker in my eye so i didn't have to suffer through it. sometime i'll explain my apocalyptic theory behind today's children's programming and the fall of western civilization as we know it. while watching the former, there was yet another commercial for yet another elmo toy of the xmas season... elmo is my point in a nutshell. jason and i were having an in depth discussion yesterday about the sudden passing of grover on the sesame street scene, and the coincidental emergence of elmo. i suspect foul play... that high pitched voice, the evil red color- he's too cute not to be the devil. he's wooed our children, and he must be stopped. down with elmo, and disney for that matter... i suspect the fbi will be pounding on my door any minute. say you don't like disney in this country, and people look at you in horror, like they're about to report your communist activities to mccarthy himself. enough of my banter. i'm opinionated, yes, but i'm only human. i have the right to make mistakes and laugh at myself. grover taught me that. i miss you grover wherever you are... the fly in the soup, the black market sale of a letter "m" from a pusher on the street, and let's not forget the irrepressible super grover. the world hasn't been the same without him...

it's full a moon. that explains so much. my emotional lycanthropy is acting up again. i am a tide- watch me rise. i'm sure i've explained before the lunar lunacy that reeks havoc with my head once a month, but i really don't remember if it's in a previous blog. this long and short- the moon rules me. forget all your new age windham hill listening, incense burning, gregorian chanting bullshit. this one is for real. i can't explain it. you'll just have to take my word for it. those that know me will attest. they'll probably also tell you that i'm just as easily thrown into fits of insanity by the effects of the sun, stars, and air. all i know is, once a lunar cycle, people get weirder and i hate them all more. working in this despicable job, at this time of year, is also sure to heighten anyone's misanthropy to damaging levels. if mother theresa worked one christmas season in retail, she'd have been beating people over the head with a crucifix. that reminds me, dianne said the funniest thing to me that i think i've ever heard. about a week or so ago, i entered the classroom where she and a few other floral designers were plugging away at a mass production of wreaths, and i announced that i had to go home, because i lost my gloves and box cutter. her reply, " well, it looks like your out of the play now, jesus." i thought i was going to piss myself. it has become the catch phrase of the season. hey one more thing on a topical note... if you were going to design a sea worthy vessel that was responsible for carrying millions of gallons of fuel oil, shouldn't you design it with enough structural integrity, so that no matter how fast you were traveling or how hard you rammed it into something that it would under no circumstances BREAK IN FUCKING HALF? thank you and good night...

So are you to my thoughts as food to life,
Or as sweet seasoned showers are to the ground;
And for the peace of you I hold such strife
As 'twixt a miser and his wealth is found:
Now proud as an enjoyer, and anon
Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure;
Now counting best to be wtih you alone,
Then betered that the world may see my pleasure;
Sometime all full with feasting on your sight,
And by and by clean starvèd for a look;
Possessing or pursuing no delight
Save what is had or must from you be took:
Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,
Or gluttoning on all, or all away.
-shakespeare sonnet#75

i had an epiphany today, while seriously not kissing the ass of the zone vice president during his surprise visit. actually the surprise was more like twenty four hours notice, but considering the condition of that shithole somepeople call a store, he might as well have dropped in unannounced. anyway, the thing that occured to me is this... i believe my life will improve greatly if it is no longer controlled by skinny women or short, fat men... words to live by- learn it, know it, live it... as god as my witness i shall never go corporate again!

maybe it's like a drug... i know for a fact that i have an addictive personality. i find something that makes me feels good, and i want it all the time. i go to great lengths to get more, and i suffer when i can't have it. whatever it is- even if it's not good for me. actually, especially if it's not good for me... i'm actually feeling withdrawal. that's sick. i've been so distracted lately that when i'm not copping a fix, i have nothing... this isn't good. i feel like shit most of the time lately. i feel like i'm running out of time. something's got to give...

we told the kids about the divorce on tuesday night. it was horrible. i haven't written about it until today, and i don't know if i'll make it through. rylee was the first to react. as long as i live i don't think i'll remember anything as horrible as watching him crumple into tears the way he did. we all cried. as much as jenn and i tried to reassure them, it was just painful. they've been watching another couple we know go through a not so nice seperation, and i think that is their immediate perception of divorce. hell, i think most of the time it is the norm. i'm so worried about all this. it just makes me question everything. i'm not regretting our decision. this is the way that it is. i just don't want them to get hurt. to think this isn't going to hurt them, however, isn't very realistic. it's going to take time. each day there is some other weirdness that rears it's head, and puts my brain into a spin. most of the time i just walk around work in a daze- more so than before. i'm so tired. more later...

last night was a blast... went to rochester for the lords of acid concert with jason, his sister, kristin, and his friend, jc. it's been a long time since i was crushed in a crowd, up against the stage, screaming, jumping, head banging, et all. my ears are ringing, my body is broken and i feel great about the whole thing. lords of acid were amazing. deb is a sex godess and praga khan is my kinda guy. when they took the stage, all vinyl-ed up and looking dangerously glam, i really felt at home. they were so eighties new wave with a dark side i couldn't stand it. it felt like 1981 and i was old enough to go out... shut up- i was only thirteen that year. jc and kristin got pulled up on stage for the second to last song, pussy. what a great time. then jason and i almost got mangled when praga and then deb decided to crowd surf... how cool. i enjoyed the company too. jc is very quick-witted, gorgeous,and has definite potential to be larger than life. kristin is very cute in a lady assassin sort of way and funny as hell. they were great on stage. what a rush. i have to start doing this shit more often. i feel like my life is getting the kick in the ass that it needed. i enjoyed spending the night and day before with the kids too. i feel a bit strange about the way things will change here- that the kids and i won't see each other everyday, but i enjoy the time when we are together, just the four of us... they love jason. even bob, the cat, loves him. bob doesn't like many people. i think he may be gay...

glitter. i absolutely hate glitter. no, i'm not talking about the mariah carie bomb. don't mistake me- i hate her too- more than glitter. why do i have such an aversion to these shiny little flecks? anyone who has worked in retail in a home decor capacity at christmas time might know and share my pain. nine out of ten products that are stocked on the shelves at christmas time are covered in the stuff. thereby anyone who is subjected to stock said items on a shelf, becomes one with the sparkle. it's everywhere on the body that you can imagine from september to january. right now, as we speak, it's on my november... and i just took a shower! as i'm not confident in my ability to incite a world wide boycott on cheesy glitz, i guess i'll have to invent a product to remove glitter. you see, it doesn't come off. you just push it around your body. try as you might to get rid of it- you just have to ride it out until that magical day mid january when you wake up and it's gone. hopefully i can beat the glitter. i'm not sure what effect it might have on a potential interview to have a face full of sparkle. i suppose it would depend on the job...